Alligator Arms - A Blog About Sports, Mostly.

Man, Sometimes I Feel Old!

2009-10-23T11:08:00.004-04:00

As I was sauntering over for my umpteenth bathroom break of the morning (don't worry there is nothing wrong with my internal organs, I just get bored at work) something dawned on me. It has been a decade since any of my favourite professional sports teams has won a championship.

What team was that you ask? The 1999 Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

And really, no offense to the CFL and their fans, with only 8 (sometimes 9) teams in the league, you should be able to fall ass-backwords in to a Grey Cup or two a decade.

So here is the current run down:

Hamilton Tiger-Cats: 1999

Oakland Athletics: 1989

Dallas Cowboys: 1995

New York Islanders: 1983

Toronto Raptors: anways...

Please note that I do have other favourite teams in other sports, and nothing against them, I just don't care too much about Major League Soccer or Lacrosse or Jai Alai.

So yeah, it's been a decade since I have been able to celebrate a championship. Isn't that sad? And it's not like people party until they shit their pants over a Grey Cup win, well aside from the fine upstanding residents of Regina.

I am now 31 and haven't had a championship to drink to since I was 21! That's super fucking sad because I feel my drinking habits and tolerance have really evolved in those 10 years. Frankly, I think it's a disservice that the sports world has been deprived of my championship celebratory drinking!

If and when one of my teams does finally win "the big one" don't worry, I won't be an asshole about it. But I just very well may cry.

Just warning you.

- el

Bruce Springsteen "Born in the U.S.A." Live @ Giants Stadium October 3rd 2009

2009-10-06T06:49:00.001-04:00

Two hours traffic - sure can start

2009-09-25T15:21:00.001-04:00

Facebook group hopes to bring Shaq to local Boston Pizza - News

2009-09-24T10:52:00.000-04:00

More great press for the group!

Facebook group hopes to bring Shaq to local Boston Pizza - News

- el

Mr. Sub | "Bride"

2009-09-24T09:56:00.001-04:00

Artists using I Am T-Pain - Auto-Tune iPhone App

2009-09-11T10:16:00.001-04:00

God help us all!

Stephon Marbury Singing "My Prerogative/Shake It Off"

2009-08-06T11:48:00.001-04:00

Well Alright, Alright, Alright...

2009-07-29T19:41:00.003-04:00

Why do I get the impression that an evening with these two gentlemen would end up with me hanging out outside a roller skating rink or hotboxing a Plymouth Reliant?

Maybe it's just me...

Get Shaq to visit the Boston Pizza Pen Centre

2009-07-28T15:20:00.006-04:00

I realize that probably no one actually reads my blog, but hey, that's not the point now is it?

A good friend of mine has created a Facebook group and I feel it is a worthwhile cause. It doesn't have to do with the slaughter of the world's cutest sea creatures or even a missing family pet. (The world's cutest sea creature is the sea horse in case you were wondering.) The Facebook group has a simple task. To somehow convince the sporting worlds foremost sultan of slapstick, the one and only Shaquille O'Neal to make an appearance at Niagara Region's swankiest sports bar, Boston Pizza Pen Centre.

I don't think it's too far fetched to be honest with you. He has been to the area for games against the Raptors and we all know how much Americans love Niagara Falls! And don't forget about all the drunken club skanks at Dragonfly! Yet another reason to visit Niagara!

So please, indulge me, join the group and maybe, just maybe you will have to opportunity to have your hand engulfed by the size 24 or whatever they use to gauge the size of people's hands, when you meet and shake hands with a sporting legend and all around good guy.

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=239171165528&ref=mf

- el

DJ Format featuring Jurassic 5 - We Know Something

2009-07-27T11:40:00.001-04:00

No Champagne Socialist - Arkells

2009-07-15T09:39:00.001-04:00

k-os - I Wish I Knew Natalie Portman

2009-06-05T17:12:00.001-04:00

How I Solved The NHL's Problems in 10 Minutes...

2009-05-20T14:44:00.006-04:00

... while being bored at work one afternoon.

http://alligatorarms.blogspot.com/2009/05/how-i-solved-nhls-problems-in-10.html

Yeah I contracted a few teams and moved a couple. But that's have the fun isn't it?

Sorry Ducks fans. I just didn't see the need for 3 teams in California.

Any comments and/or critiques are encouraged.

- el

Beating A Dead Horse; The NHL vs. Canada

2009-05-19T14:16:00.005-04:00

Make no doubt about it, Gary Bettman and the NHL are going to win the battle between Jerry Moyes and Jim Balsillie over who controls the Phoenix Coyotes. But this is an open letter to Mr. Bettman and the NHL Board of Governors with regards the whole situation.

"What did I ever do to you?"

I say this in the sense that I feel like I am perfect slice of the demographic you Mr. Bettman, and your league, should be looking to attract. I feel like I am the perfect 21st century nameless StatsCan human being. Why do I say this? (Aside from a deep rooted inferiority complex) Here are my reasons why:

I played recreational hockey for many years growing up in middle class family in a small Canadian town.
I sat on the carpet of my parents living room watching Hockey Night in Canada every Saturday night hanging on every word of Bob Cole and Harry Neale while occasionally learning hockey tips from Don Cherry after the first period.
I am university educated.
I am gainfully employed in a large city.
I am going to be married and starting a family sooner, rather than later.
I have expendable income.
I love watching and participating in sports.
I am looking for a reason to love hockey.
My favourite sport since the early 1990's is football.

See, Mr. Bettman, I feel I am exactly the type of person you and the league you lead should be looking to attract. And right now, I have no reason to watch the NHL aside from it being my civic duty, and I am forced to now because the season of House M.D. has concluded and the NHL playoffs have preempted Coronation Street on CBC. And even then, I don't watch hockey very much at all, not even during playoff time.

Somewhere along the line you lost my fandom, much like you did with so many other hockey fans. Personally, it was a combination of a lot of things. The lockouts/strikes, the neutral zone traps, the lack of media coverage, FoxTrax, being an Islander fan, etc. The list grows each season.

I thought about the root of these problems I had and it all comes back to one thing.

Expansion.

The league has become bloated in it's attempt to be something it's not. It's not a sport played by the working class in the United States like football, baseball, and basketball are. Hockey is the domain of white Canadians, Europeans, and Americans above the 40th parallel. Now I am not even close to being labelled as "smart" but even I can see there are too many teams in the NHL right now. And too many in places that just don't give a shit about hockey. It's not rocket science to figure out that hockey isn't a major priority for Americans in the southern United States. Their (generalized) priorities go: NFL, NBA, MLB, NCAA, Nascar, then hopefully the NHL. The best the NHL can hope for is 6th on the sports media landscape. AT BEST!

Gary, I can call you Gary right? No? Ok, Mr. Bettman, do you really think that the NHL is big enough to secure a lucrative nationwide U.S. television contract with your current standing in the North American sports landscape?

It isn't going to happen. Hockey is too regional, it costs too much to play for it to be accessible to the masses. That is the bottom line. And this whole economic slowdown isn't helping your case. No parent is going to spend the money to put their children in to hockey in the southern U.S. when they can spend a fraction of the money on a pair of cleats and a soccer ball. Or a basketball and a pair of Air Force Ones.

It's just common sense, man.

Now I understand the tactics Mr. Balsillie is using to acquire a team aren't the way the NHL does business. And I don't condone how he is going about trying to secure an NHL franchise, but his sentiment is in the right place. Less teams in areas that don't care about the NHL. Most people know your ulterior motive to blocking the relocation of an NHL team to Southern Ontario, is because you would rather extract hundreds of millions of dollars in expansion fees and territorial rights payments and make your NHL cartel more money. But doesn't that just compound the problem?

The NHL needs less teams. Not just more teams in Canada.

I want a team in Hamilton as much as the next person, but I don't want it to be the 31st or 32nd team in the NHL. Do you really have that big of an ego to think that the NHL warrants the same amount of franchises as the NFL? Relocate some teams, contract some teams, and do what is right to improve the quality of play in the NHL. Secure sponsors and television networks that appreciate the NHL for what it is. The rest will take care of itself.

Remember Mr. Bettman, your NHL and I used to be best friends.

And now we don't even exchange wall posts on Facebook.

- el

Bruce Springsteen - Jungleland (Live in New York 2001)

2009-05-11T11:52:00.001-04:00

Why Baseball Is The Only Fantasy Sport You'll Ever Need

2009-03-24T17:58:00.013-04:00

As the sun sets on the NBA and NHL fantasy seasons, in the world of make believe sports, we are approaching the dawn of a new season of Major League Baseball.

While the NBA and NFL dominate the television and fantasy landscape in terms of television audiences and fans, there isn't a sport more suited for a league of alternative reality than baseball.

I will admit, my favourite sport on planet earth is American football, but in terms of fantasy sports, my allegiance lies solely with Major League Baseball.

Why is that? Well even at a quick glance, the sport is perfectly designed for manipulation for legions of Internet sports geeks, dweebs, and nerds. While nothing takes the place of watching a sport live, baseball is a sport easily transcribed via a statistical box score, and let's be perfectly honest here, if you aren't a huge fan or have a vested interest (ie. gambling) baseball has a tendency to be a rather boring sport to watch sober.

So what is it that makes the MLB perfect for fantasy sports? Simple, it is a sport driven by statistics thus making it ideal for the compilation and interpretation of fantasy commissioners. Add the fact that you have two mostly separate American and National leagues (aside from ridiculous inter-league play) so the player pool can be halved quite easily if you are looking for a challenge amongst your friends or if you don't have a lot of friends/owners. Oh and don't forget how well it works in a rotisserie format, so you don't have to worry about bullshit head-to-head losses than drive NFL fantasy owners crazy. The best team wins. It's as simple as that.

You know what else is fun? In this glorious golden age of the Internet, and as a baseball fantasy league team owner, you are blasted ad nauseam with fantasy baseball information and websites laced with basement dwelling, large foreheaded, male pattern baldness hiding, prostitute patronizing statisticians that proclaim that they know more than you and can somehow prove who is defined as a "sleeper." You gotta love proving those college degree having bastards wrong.

So once you take the proverbial dive to in the world of fantasy baseball, the best part is yet to come. Your loyalty is rewarded with the greatest day of the season.

Draft Day!

And I am not talking about one of these online ones for shut ins, small children, and the elderly. I am talking about the live, in full technicolour, headache inducing version. Complete with beers at 9AM, foul, sexist language, random movie quotes, with a group of people you might not even know! Wait, your league isn't like that? Fuck, you are missing out then.

So why am I writing this blog post? Partially to convey my excitement about the fantasy baseball draft auction I am due to attend in roughly 10 days 12 hours and 24 minutes, and also to encourage people to ask around his or her office, and see if you can find yourself a baseball fantasy league to join. Trust me, you won't regret it. Oh and also to let you know that this ushers in a new season of blog posts that will mostly certainly revolve around MLB and rotisserie baseball. If you don't like that, then you can start your own blog where you can talk about whatever interests you. Like reading shitty blogs like mine or about the types of weird pornography most likely to get you off.

Shit, you know what else I left out? The fact that you can win some decent money at it if you are committed to it. Trust me about that last one, I am writing this as we speak while simultaneously watching the Flight of the Conchords on my big screen LCD TV in glorious HD.

;)

- el

The Real CIS Final

2009-03-19T20:39:00.001-04:00

Check out the killer block by the artist known as Alex Brzozowicz.

Great call stripes.

Sometimes Y; The Comment Section on Websites

2009-02-18T11:38:00.002-05:00

Welcome to the Internet, a place where information runs free (sort of) and where people can hide behind emails and user names to post the ridicules things that pop in to their head. As a blog publisher, I certainly know a thing or two about this. While I do use a pseudo name for my blog writing, I still try to conduct myself with a slight amount of civility when it comes to the things I publish on the Internet. And this point brings me to one of the most infuriating things that exists on the open source, information superhighway that is the Internet.

The comment sections on popular websites.

Some websites choose to regulate their comment section (and rightfully so), places like news outlets, where there is a good chance people will have different and polarizing opinions on subjects that actually matter. Other websites choose to let the people speak their minds, and let the users regulate themselves in a Lord of the Flies sort of matter, hoping you will "report any abuse or inappropriate content." Really? Who actually takes the time to do that?

For you out there that don't know what I am taking about, just do some surfing around places like Yahoo! and Youtube, and you will quickly see what I am taking about. Every topic quickly deteriorates to racism or insults. It can be quite funny when done properly (ie. Deadspin) but more often than not, it is just mind boggling and a sad reflection on society.

But since this is a sports blog, and sports is my escape from "the real world," I will focus on, what is in my opinion, is the bastion of Internet stupidity ProFootballTalk.com. I really do enjoy the service Mike Florio provides in terms of news and rumours. He is diligent and for the most part professional. He is like a heterosexual male version of Perez Hilton. But the people who comment on his site, and I am sure on many other popular sports websites, are the most unoriginal, moronic, and homer football fans that are an insult to many knowledgeable and logical football fans like you and me. (Well, I don't know you, but I know I am logical.)

It isn't necessarily always what they say, it is the way they present it. The dumb nicknames for players or teams, the petty insults, and the inability to see things logically with a critical eye. The things that make being a football fan beautiful and intellectual.

So I dedicate this post to the list of stupid things I have heard on sports website comment sections. Here are some of the highlights:

Calling Tony Romo "Tony Homo." - Very original
"(insert player name here) is a cancer!" - Over used
"He threw him under the bus!" - I actually heard this used 3 times in 2 sentences yesterday. THAT is prolific.
Calling the Dallas Cowboys the "Cowgirls" - What are we? Five?
"Donte Stallworth-less" - I am 50/50 on this one.
"Donovan McBadd" - Kind of funny, but coming from an Eagles fan, it sounds retarded. Start Kevin Kolb next year and see how you do.
Apparently Ray Lewis was convicted of murder because that's what everyone seems to refer to him as. Did I miss something?
Steeler fans who conveniently forget about the time period from prohibition to 1970 and 1980 to 2003 when the team didn't win a thing and then refer to the city as "Sixburgh" with much love and admiration.
Variations of the nickname A-Rod. If you think you found one, trust me, it's been used. Thousands of times.
The "Deadskins"? - I hate the Redskins as much as anyone, but not once have I ever used this term.
Referring to a teams record over a limited sample size, say over the past 5 - 10 years. If this year has taught us anything, it's that any team can win the Super Bowl in any given year. Mike Tomlin has got this one right. There is no such thing as a repeat anymore, with player movement, no team is ever the same from year to year. Leave the Bills alone!

I will do my best to update this list as I see more stupid things...

God bless.

- el

"Sit 'Malu Sit, Good Dog. Woof!"; Obediency In The NFL‏

2009-01-28T07:42:00.007-05:00

Super Bowl week is normally a time of year where athletes spewing sports cliches is at it's peak for the year. And normally I don't pay much attention to the non-stop barrage of moronic questions that the Super Bowl participants have to answer. You know the questions, the ones that seem come from everywhere, from the furthest corners of the earth to the panel at ESPN and the NFL Network. You'd think they would have got all the answers by now, but here we are. (Yes, I did need to know what the 3rd string right tackle for the Cardinals eats for breakfast.)

But among this river of verbal diarrhea of answers, Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu offered up an insightful and interesting gem;

"The leaders on our team - James Farrior, DeShea Townsend, Hines Ward - they understand what it takes to be successful. What it takes is obediency."

"We are a very obedient team."

- Troy Polamalu

This quote stuck out to me and I will tell you why. It gave us a little window in to the psyche of a professional athlete and what it truly takes to be consistently successful at the parity-laden team sport that is American football.

Sure I will admit there are many contributing factors and ingredients that go in to a winning formula for a football team, but Troy Polamalu hit one very important nail on the head. What separates winning teams from losing teams is the ability for many members of the team to check their egos at the door.

To make it to the NFL as a player, you are in the 98th percentile of your profession. Most people who play football growing up barely get a sniff of a NCAA college football practice let alone the NFL, so the players that comprise the 53 man roster of an NFL team are the creme de la creme of football players. The same guys who were the star players when they were 5 years old, the same guys who were the stars in high school sleeping with cheerleaders that were way out of your league. The same guys that have been coddled and told "you are the best!" from every coach, player, and fan they have ever encountered. Until now.

Think about it. You have been "the man" since before you can even remember until you walked in to that first NFL training camp. And now here you are, occupying a roster spot on the bottom third of the 53 man roster. How is that for a shot to your ego?

So when Troy Polamalu says it takes obediency to be successful, he couldn't be more correct and it is a testament to head coach Mike Tomlin and his ability as a coach.

As someone who has followed football for a few years now, the first person I thought of when I heard this quote from Polamalu, was Bill Parcells. He was, and still is, a master of identifying players, what their strengths are, and where they fit in to in the grand scheme of his roster. How often have you heard the term of "one of Parcells guys"? Players like Richie Anderson and David Meggett come to mind. You know what those players are? Obedient. Bill Parcells made sure that his teams have the requisite star power (ie. Lawrence Taylor) but he also made sure the players that were the glue of his team knew their roles. The nose tackle that eats two blocks to allow the linebackers to make a play, the linebackers who shoots the gap to force a running back outside, the entire special teams unit, those are the players that determine whether you win or lose. And Mike Tomlin and Bill Parcells recognize this, which is why their teams are always competitive year in and year out.

Now you can see why there are so many episodes of players blowing up at their coaches during training camp. It is the result of a player coming to the stark realization that he isn't going to be the star anymore. If he wants to continue earning a pay cheque in the NFL longer than 3 seasons, he is going to have to learn how to be disciplined and obedient. If the player doesn't want to be or tries to make a play and puts himself out of position, then a coach like Parcells and Tomlin doesn't have time for you and can easily find another player to replace you.

So, I guess it isn't just about amassing the most amount of talent possible. The NFL isn't run like your local fantasy team. It takes a shrewd eye for talent during the NFL draft and during free agency, but it also takes the ability to evaluate a players personality and whether or not they will be the type of person that will be obedient and do what ever it takes to be successful. Even if that means you never get a chance to carry the pigskin or make the game clinching interception.

Thank you Troy Polamalu. Behind that mane of Diana Ross-esque hair, there is a brain. A brain that offered up some insight as to the psyche of a successful NFL franchise and it's head coach during what is usually a week full of bad sound bites and sports reporters telling you things you already knew. Once again, thank you.

Now if only we could teach this lesson to Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips. Sadly, I don't think it's going to happen.

- el

ps. The contest is still on:

http://alligatorarms.blogspot.com/2009/01/who-likes-free-stuff-predict-score-of.html

Why?

2009-01-27T19:51:00.000-05:00

Any reason why Terrell Owens would need/warrant a reality television show? I mean, aside from trying to create even more distractions for America's Team?

The ball has now been volleyed back in to your court again Michael Irvin.

Godspeed 2009 season, it was nice knowing you. We hardly knew each other...

Fack!

To Wear Or Not To Wear; Is That A Question?

2009-01-26T22:15:00.004-05:00

Here we are, a mere six days away from the biggest day on the sporting calendar, and for some football fans we are faced with a dilemma. Shockingly, it has nothing to do with gambling in any way shape or form but rather the world of sports fashion. What is the question you ask? Do you wear the jersey of your favourite team to the party you are attending on Super Bowl Sunday, even though they are not participating in the big game in Tampa?

To help solve this jersey predicament, I have complied a quick list of pro's and con's. Feel free to add your own and share your thoughts, as we still have just under a week to make our fateful decision. Here are the ones that came to my mind:

PRO: You are showing unwavering support for your favourite team.

CON: Depending on the jersey, you may end up on Straight Cash Homey.

PRO: You are conveying a message that you are rooting against one of the Super Bowl participating teams. (ie. A Browns jersey during the Steelers Super Bowl appearance.)

CON: You may invite extra ridicule upon yourself due to your teams failures this football season.

PRO: You really hate both teams participating in the Super Bowl, and don't want to be confused with one of their fans.

CON: Depending on the company you choose and how public the setting, you may end up looking like a douche.

PRO: Even though you will be cheering for the Buzzsaw that is the Arizona Cardinals, you don't want to give people the impression you are a bandwagon fan of theirs.

CON: Some people would argue that wearing a non-participating team jersey to a Super Bowl party is just plain wrong.

Well, that is what I have come up with so far. Personally, this has become quite the conundrum because this isn't a simple fashion question that is quickly solved by consulting my fiancee. And normally I would consult my resident football fashion expert Jim, but I get the impression he would lean towards wearing a retro/obscure jersey since he has quite the vast collection, a luxury I do not have at my disposal.

So here I am stuck and the clock is ticking down and time is running out. What to do? Try a quick pass in the middle of the field in an attempt to gain some better field position while risking letting the clock run out (aka wear the jersey), or make the safe decision and try the long field goal? (aka jeans and a t-shirt)

If I was Mike Tomlin, I know what I would do...

- el

Photo courtesy of Straightcashhomey.net

Isles DiPietro Done For Season; Teams Start Playing For 2nd Overall Draft Pick

2009-01-21T06:40:00.003-05:00

Reports out of Long Island today state that franchise goaltender Rick DiPietro will miss the remainder of the season because of continuing problems in his surgically repaired knee.

As an Islander fan (don't ask me why I am, but I think it's God's way of humbling me as a sports fan) this comes as pretty great news. Now I have never been an advocate of a team tanking a season on purpose, but I don't think this news could come at a better time. With two blue chip prospects at the top of the 2009 NHL entry draft in John Tavares and Victor Hedman, the Islanders couldn't have picked a better season to sink to the bottom of the NHL standings and Ricky's injury assures that goaltending won't salvage any wins for the rest of the 2008/09 season.

The question is, did they set out to achieve this goal before the season even began?

Let's run down the New York Islanders 2008 off-season:

Hire a rookie, minor league head coach in Scott Gordon as a head man in the NHL, knowing there was a good possibility he could struggle. (Hey he is a former goalie, Garth Snow couldn't resist!)
Cut payroll by signing and/or promoting many minor league players. (No offense Nate Thompson & Jon Sim)
Add a couple bigger name veterans to make it a little less obvious you are tanking the season. (ahem, Doug Weight)
Keep the team's payroll well below the upper limits of the salary cap. (Team payroll approximately $42 million in 2007)
Sign a career minor league goaltender to be your backup knowing full well that your number one guy is on the shelve after knee and hip surgeries.
Trade down in the entry draft twice to ensure you get a player that is less NHL ready. (ie. Josh Bailey instead of Luke Schenn.)

Now I am sure I missed a few minor details of the epic 2008 off season for the Islanders, but I think you get the idea. It was bound to fail from the beginning. And the sad part is, I have been enjoying every day of it so far this season. Is that wrong?

I don't think we are giving Garth Snow enough credit. I think he may have perfected the art of tanking the season while still making you think it wasn't his plan all along. The team is locked in to a stadium lease at the cavern that is Nassau Coliseum until 2015 and have an owner with significantly deep pockets, so there is no real threat of the team leaving town. So, fan support dwindling isn't a major concern... yet.

Mark my words, three years from now when the team is challenging for the Atlantic division title, people will be talking about Garth Snow's mastery. Whether he deserves it or not.

At this point I would normally say, "any idiot can draft John Tavares," but like many Islander fans, I have lived through the Milbury years.

You should be taking notes Brian Burke and Leaf Nation.

- el

Who Likes Free Stuff? Predict The Score Of Super Bowl XLIII And Win!

2009-01-20T08:02:00.003-05:00

Ok, so here is the deal. The Super Bowl is less than two weeks away. The sports media is going to analyze the shit out of the match-up between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Arizona Cardinals. So much so it may drive you to watch Heartland on CBC instead of the actual game on February 1st.

So to show off your football knowledge/your ability to have John Clayton tell you things you already knew, I am going to have a contest. It is a simple yet difficult contest and it is open to anyone living in North America and all you have to do is predict the score for each team in Super Bowl XLIII.

Simply put in your prediction, your email address, and your favourite NFL team in the comment section of this Blogger Blogspot post by 6:00pm on February 1st. If you are correct (with the correct teams scores) I will send you a new piece of officially licensed Reebok NFL merchandise. (Approximate value C$35) I will contact the winner via email shortly after the game for his/her address. It doesn't cost you a thing. No shipping, no taxes, no duty. Anyone can enter, and only one entry per person. Just show me how smart you think you are.

But remember, it has to be the exact correct score. Not closest without going over or the correct score with the teams switched.

As they say on Smash TV, "Good luck! You'll Need It!"

- el

Who Do You Cheer Against?

2009-01-14T11:52:00.000-05:00

Here we are, on the verge of the AFC Championship game that almost no one could have predicted, whether it was September or even December, and something occurred to me after the Steelers drove the final nail in San Diego's 8-8 playoff loving coffin.

If you are, or were, a Cleveland Browns fan who do you cheer for/against in this weekend's game between the Ravens and the Steelers?

On one hand you have the Ravens, the displaced former team that went all Colorado Avalanche on you and win the Super Bowl in 2000, the Super Bowl that should have been yours and the culmination of decades of futility. The team that Art Modell just picked up and left with even though the city has supported the team every step of the way. Think of the Ravens like your first girlfriend that was way out of your league. But because you dated her before she knew any better, it was great while it lasted. But then university came, and she moved away only to dump you when she wanted "some time apart" which is code for she "wanted to fuck the good looking guy in her psych class." So try to envision the Ravens Super Bowl win as you finally seeing your ex's Facebook photos dressed like a skank on Halloween right after you fell victim to "the turkey drop" and she is all over some other guy.

On the other hand you have the Pittsburgh Steelers. A bitter rival who is kind of like that guy in your high school who just seems to be better than you at everything. He isn't necessarily good looking, but because he is likable, charismatic, gets decent grades, and is popular, you can't help but hate him. He is a nice guy when you bump in to him in the hall, but you want to wipe that smug look off of his face because everything seems to fall in to his lap. A guy that has never encountered an ounce of adversity in his life. And now you bump in to him years later to find out he is successful and has a great life all around. "What a prick!" you mutter to yourself, even though you should be over it since it was high school, but you aren't and that is your prerogative. So channel that hatred for that dude, whomever he may be to you, and that is the Pittsburgh Steelers.

So who is it going to be Cleveland? The first girl who broke your heart? She was a slut wasn't she? Or the guy from high school whom you hate? Watch out, he may be your boss one day!

As much as it pains me to say this, I going to have to go with the dude from high school/the Pittsburgh Steelers. He seems like a nice enough dude and talking football is always good. You never know, maybe he could get you a better job.

Besides, your first girlfriend is still a skank if it makes you feel any better. Trust me, I know!

- el

And THAT is how you derive a winner in this weekend's AFC Championship. Not by the influence of some former players analysis who beats a dead horse by telling you that the Ravens are 4-0 when Ed Reed scores a touchdown.

Where Have I Been? My Apologies...

2009-01-14T09:47:00.002-05:00

First of all I don't know if anyone actually reads my blog, but if you do, I would like to apologize for my absence over the past few weeks.

I have no excuses, it was a busy time of year, but rest assured, I have re-committed myself to this wonderful blog space.

I enjoy being able to express my opinions on all things sports and then choosing to ignore everyone else's opinions.

Just kidding. I love the feedback and actually would love for this blog to become more interactive.

Speak your mind my friends.

And I am always open to publishing your ideas and opinions. Even a Point/Counter-Point type discussion. Think Jane Curtain/Dan Aykroyd style on SNL.

- el

NFL's Version of Polkaroo

2009-01-03T08:58:00.003-05:00

Here I was grabbing lunch the other day in the middle of the work week, I turned my head at a stop light and what did I see? One of those obnoxious car flags.

(An aside here, the reason I say they are obnoxious is because if you put one on your car and it isn't supporting the local sports team in town, aren't you pretty much just asking for someone to key your car? You know what I mean? Like I am not going to cruise around Ohio with a Michigan flag or run errands in Montreal with my Leafs flag flapping in the wind.)

So what team is proudly displayed on this team flag? The venerable Miami Dolphins! The first thought that popped in to my head was, "Is this guy now only rocking this flag because the Dolphins are finally good again and we are on the eve of the playoffs? Or is he a true fan?"

After examining the condition of the flag, his geographic location, and the state of his automobile, I have come to the conclusion that this is indeed a hardcore Miami Dolphins fan because that flag looks like it has logged a lot of miles.

But this begs the question, who in their right mind is a Dolphins fan in Canada and how do you become one? Is it because of the 1972 team you bandwagon jumper? Because of your grandparents retirement home in Florida? Because of your love for Duper and Clayton? Ace Ventura? What?

Someone help me!

- el

"With The First Overall Pick In The 2009 NFL Draft, The Detroit Lions Select..."

2008-12-31T15:41:00.004-05:00

Before the first version of mock drafts come out after bowl season is complete, I thought I would take a few seconds and share a few thoughts on the recent successes of one Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco, both rookie quarterbacks who leds their teams to the upcoming NFL playoffs.

As I am sure most of NFL fans know, the NFL is a copy cat league. What do I mean by that? Essentially, just like other industries, it can be driven by popularity and fads which sometimes are not the most logical and right thing to do. What does this have to do with Matt Ryan or the upcoming 2009 NFL draft? Well, since you asked, I will tell you.

Taking the current era of NFL in to consideration, Matt Ryan and Joe Flacco are exceptions to the rule that rookie quarterbacks are not successful immediately upon entering the league. Sure Ben Roethlisberger is a good example as well, but for the most part, recent history is littered with the likes of Tim Couch, Akili Smith, Ryan Leaf, David Carr etc.

What worries me is that because the NFL is such a copy cat league, teams at the top of the 2009 draft will feel compelled to draft a quarterback thinking it will lead to instantaneous success. Just like teams will now fire their head coach thinking they can replicate the success of Mike Smith in Atlanta and John Harbaugh in Baltimore.

So if you were the Detroit Lions or the Kansas City Chiefs, what would you do? Select Matt Stafford or Sam Bradford and throw them to the wolves or take the cautious approach and let your shiny new rookie quarterback learn from the sidelines for a year while keeping his confidence and/or rib cage in tact?

You know one or more teams are going to follow the lead of Atlanta and Baltimore and gamble with a young man's career hoping they can be the franchise saviour and lead them to a playoff berth. And when it doesn't work out the way the franchise had hoped, the young, well compensated, and shell shocked quarterback will take the blame and the franchise will be back to square one while the quarterback fades in to obscurity in a sea of ridicule and one line jokes.

(Insert Ryan Leaf joke here)

Only time will tell.

- el

Titans Talking Contract with Haynesworth; Albert Looks to go "All Mogilny On Their Asses"

2008-12-30T10:23:00.004-05:00

The Tennessee Titans (that team you always forget about, until they wear their all baby blue uniforms and then you are reminded why you hate them) appear to be interested in opening some preliminary contract talks with former Volunteer and NFL All-Pro defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth.

As Andre Gurode's face will attest, Haynesworth is a force in the middle of one of the best defenses in the NFL, and locking him up would be a good move for the franchise to avoid the bitterness and animosity that accompanies players slapped with the NFL's franchise player tag.

But one has to wonder a little bit about the future of this defensive tackle. Is he going to be the type that loses control of his weight and work ethic now that he look to have achieved financial freedom and security? NFL defensive tackles are an interesting bunch. Is it just me or is the super-sized defensive tackle THE position in the NFL that is most affected by players being motivated by "the contract year"?

It seems like their performances rise and fall in an inverse relationship with their weight.

William Perry, Gilbert Brown, Sam Adams, Kris Jenkins, Shaun Rogers, etc.... the list grows.

Literally and figuratively.

Nike: Leave Nothing "Fate"

2008-12-18T21:21:00.001-05:00

If this doesn't give a football fan goose bumps, I don't know what will.

PGA Tour '09; God Help Us All

2008-12-18T14:42:00.000-05:00

After reading this, I suddenly get the feeling the first half of the 2009 PGA Tour season is going to be the equivalent of one of those game show booths where dollar bills float all over the place and you have to grab as much as you can before your time runs out.

The past PGA season also reminds me of when Michael Jordan retired and the Houston Rockets (Padraig Harrington) won those two championships. Don't get me wrong they were a great team, but we all know they didn't stand a chance if Michael (Tiger) was still in the league.

Bring on the wit and sarcasm of David Feherty!

NFL Athletes; They Are Just Like Us!

2008-12-18T09:12:00.006-05:00

The NFL and NFL Films release their presentation of "The Game of the Week" around the middle of each week. And this week it featured the game between the New York Giants paying their last visit to Texas Stadium to take on the Dallas Cowboys.

As most football fans know, NFL Films is the creme de la creme of sports highlights. The orchestral music, the smooth voice overs, the great cinematography, etc. etc. But the real highlight of this weeks presentation happens at the 3:27 mark of this 12:12 minute masterpiece:

http://www.nfl.com/videos?videoId=09000d5d80d66a89

Scene: Wide receivers Terrell Owens and Roy Williams sitting across from each other on the Cowboys bench.

T.O.: "Hey ... What's your favourite cartoon?"

Roy: *awkward pause*

Roy: "Cartoon movie?"

T.O.: "Naw, just cartoon, like Tom and Jerry."

Roy: *dead serious face* "Duck Tales."

Roy: *looks disappointed* "You don't remember Duck Tales."

T.O.: "Yeah I do! I like, I watch Duck Tales, you know, it ain't my favourite."

It reasons like this that I love Roy Williams. (both of them) See the players in the NFL are no different than you or me. I love Duck Tales, especially the game for NES, and so does Roy Williams. He is just like me! We could be friends we just don't know it.

Now I have the Duck Tales theme song stuck in my head.

- el

ps. How the hell did Scrooge McDuck swim in those gold coins? I mean, the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese was hard enough, but a large quantity of coins? That's damn near impossible!

It's Jerry's World; We Are Just Living In It.

2008-12-17T20:55:00.005-05:00

Think of a time, maybe 10 or 20 years from now. The landscape of the NFL has evolved as it always does, the game growing exponentially bigger just like the players playing the game have. But if there is one constant in this league we all love, it is the presence of one or two meddling and irrational owners who seem to be reincarnated from one generation to the next. Since the 1970's to the present day, the godfather of this ownership behaviour been the Right Honorable Al Davis, owner of the Oakland Raiders.

From his humble beginnings coining the phrase, "Just win baby," to Super Bowl triumphs, his descent in to NFL ownership madness has been slow and steady. Moving the team to Los Angeles in 1982 and then back to Oakland in 1994 was the proverbial red flag and one of his close friends and/or family should have recognized this and stepped up and warned us all of what the future might have entailed.

While it was entertaining to watch Mr. Davis unthaw Art Shell and friends from their much deserved retirements for another kick at the coaching can before Al went all Billy Martin on him, the more recent hiring and public firing of Lane Kiffin unfortunately has illustrated that since we breached the new millennium, Al Davis has lost "it." Frankly, I don't think he knows what "it" is anymore. Unfortunately, he is like that grandparent or relative you have that you love, but time hasn't been kind to them and you have to make that tough decision to put them in a home. You love them, and at one time their behaviour was tolerable, but now they have just become a nuisance and bothersome.

So who could be the next great NFL franchise owner to lead us deep in to the Roger Goodell, foam padded for player safety, ultra-profitable, new millennium? Here are a couple candidates for your consideration:

Ralph Wilson - Since the Super Bowl finalist years of the early 1990's, Ralph Wilson too has started to lose grip of his sanity. But at least he doesn't meddle in the day to day operations of the team. The threat of moving the team to Toronto certainly doesn't help his case either. Plus, I can't get the size of his ears out of my head. In my head he will always be equal parts Mickey Rooney and Jim Carrey's Jimmy Stewart impression on Saturday Night Live.

Daniel Snyder - If I decided to write this article about 3 or 4 years ago, Dan Snyder would most definitely be a contender to the throne. But it seems he has matured since luring Joe Gibbs back temporarily from NASCAR and decided to try to build his team through the draft and shrewd free agent shopping. The non-PC named Redskins are still one of the leagues most valuable franchises that inhabit one of the largest stadiums in the league, so it's not like Mr. Snyder has to worry about losing money while he learns some patience. But you never know, maybe once he gets some cap space, he will give Antwaan Randel-El a lucrative and obscene contract extension. He is young, so there is still time for him to achieve the Al Davis gold standard.

Even a casual NFL fan would notice one glaring omission from that list. His name is Jerry Jones, and the reason I left him off the list is because is there any doubt he is the rightful heir to Al Davis' throne? From the hiring of Barry Switzer, the behaviour that was permitted during the teams Super Bowl years of the 1990's, the face lifts, the questionable player signings, and the impromptu media conferences on the Dallas Cowboys sidelines to discuss who's jobs are safe and the status of his suspended players.

But there is one more shocking factor that will undoubtedly allow Jerry Jones to ascend to the top of Mount Davis. It is the fact that he holds the title of Cowboys owner AND general manager. This gives him carte blanche to make whatever decision his misguided passion wants and turn it in to a reality. Combine that with the fact that the front office is littered with his children and members of his extended family, and you've got the recipe for a bigger mess than the time that not very bright kid in your class made a volcano for the science fair. I mean, which one of Jerry's kids is going to have the nerve to wrestle the control away from him 10 or 20 years from now when he tries to re-draft Russell Maryland during the 2021 intergalactic college draft? As a Cowboys fan, I am counting on you to complete that task Stephen now that Bill Parcells left for Miami and took his smart football people with him.

If I wasn't a Cowboys fan, this subject wouldn't trouble me as much, as it might be entertaining to watch America's Team suffer after years of fiscally flipping the bird to the have-nots and socialist policies of the league. But since I am a fan of theirs, I can't help but shudder when I think of the long term prospects of the franchise under Jerry Jones' guidance.

If there is one thing we can all agree on, is that no one can predict the future of the NFL and what may be in store for us as fans. And while the games might be boring on occasion, with owners like Al, Jerry, Daniel, and company roaming the sidelines, you can at least bet it will be entertaining.

I hope.

- el

I Think I Just Had An Epiphany!

2008-12-17T12:50:00.004-05:00

After weeks of deliberation, I have finally received a shove in the direction of a decision that will improve the quality of my life. What decision is that you ask?

I am withdrawing my presence from all fantasy sports pools going forward from today. (Except for my baseball pool which is great because it is very well run and there is real money on the line and it adds excitement to an otherwise boring sport I usually don't pay attention to.)

I already feel liberated. No more poorly run leagues where there are vague rules and questions that go unanswered, no more petty squabbles, no more checking stats of individual players which pulls you away from watching your favourite team, no more weekend roster maintenance, no more stress from winning/losing even though you only have $0 to $30 on the line.

I don't give a shit about Steven Jackson's quad injury anymore. I don't care that Eli Manning got credited for 299 yards passing and not 300. I don't care about the depth charts of the Jacksonville Jaguars. Just let me watch football games in peace rooting for my favourite team and against the teams I don't like.

Who's got a bra I can burn?

- el

Sources: Antonio Pierce Is Overrated; Jeremiah Trotter Resurrected

2008-12-15T09:29:00.004-05:00

So, I watched the Giants vs. Cowboys game last night and after taking some time to digest it, I came to a realization.

Antonio Pierce may be a little overrated.

Let's have a quick synopsis of the last two weeks of your football life:

Participate in cover-up after your teammate perforates his own leg with a bullet.
Refused to talk to media about the situation.
Didn't volunteer any information to police in attempt to protect your teammate.
Put on fancy red coloured cleats.
Start vs. the Eagles despite all allegations and outside distractions.
Get abused by Brian Westbrook and Donovan McNabb.
Lay low for week leading up to the Dallas game.
Put on fancy red coloured cleats.
Introduce yourself on NBC during Dallas game as "A.P." with a smug grin on your face. (Note: Don't even refer to yourself by your own nickname unless you are Al Cowlings.)
Get abused by Jason Witten on game clinching drive.

So there you have it. Apparently Antonio Pierce is the second coming of Jeremiah Trotter, except with the ego that comes from being a part of an unexpected Super Bowl winner. I didn't know much about you Antonio before the whole Plaxico-sweatpant fiasco, but now I have a pretty good idea. You are an overweight, one dimensional, run stopping linebacker who can't pass protect if your life depended on it.

And you love strippers.

At least we have one thing in common.

- el

Sources: Geographers Make Better Lovers...

2008-12-13T09:48:00.001-05:00

Anonymous sources have informed AlligatorArms of the following factual statements:

Geographers are better lovers.
Dallas Cowboys fans are better than you.
El Lizardo is a member of MENSA.
Shoe size is in no way an indicator of other things.
Your mother does not actually think you are cool.
Your wife/girlfriend is cheating on you with your best friend.
If your best friend is your dog, please disregard previous statement.

Remember, I have received this information from credible sources that have requested to remain anonymous. And since it has been reported to the Internet via a blog, it should be considered factual with roughly 95% accuracy.

"Doctor, I Just Heard Ed Werder Talking About Terrell Owens...

2008-12-13T00:51:00.006-05:00

...what should I do?"

Take it with a grain of salt my dearest football fan.

Now before you jump down my throat for defending the antics of one Terrell "Pop Secret" Owens, there are a few things you have to realize. If there is one thing I learned in my post secondary education career, is that you always look at the world with a critical eye and consider the source when you receive information. Thank you very much Brock University geography department.

So enough with the philosophy, here is the straight talk express minus the geriatric Cardinals fan. We have entered an era where information travels instantaneously and the field of journalism has descended to unseen levels of unprofessionalism and a clear lack of ethics. We live in an age where anyone can "create" news by simply taking an educated guess and release it in to the wilderness that is the open source Internet. It has even got to the point where anonymous rumours can spread like a California wild fire with little to no repercussions. Perez Hilton, TheDirty.com, blah, blah, blah, you get the picture.

What the hell does any of this have to do with sports or Terrell Owens? I will tell you what it does. And once again, I am not disputing Mr. Owen's past history as a shit disturber and I am not defending his tactics as of late.

But this recent "story" broken by ESPN's Ed Werder has really blurred the line between SportsCenter and Entertainment Tonight. I don't think it would be a stretch to see Mary Hart working the sidelines at a football field near you. Is that a bit of a stretch? Of course it is, but that is the point.

Right now, on the eve of a nationally televised game between the Giants and the Cowboys, the focus has now shifted from the Plaxico, Antonio Pierce, cover-up-a-thon that is the New York Giants, and is now squarely on the Dallas Cowboys and Terrell Owens. And it just so happens Terrell Owens recently blasted ESPN personalities Keyshawn Johnson and Emmitt Smith in the media. So is there an anti-Cowboys and anti-Owens bias in the largest sports media outlets in the western hemisphere? You tell me. The man that caught the game winning touchdown in the Super Bowl could spend the next 3 years in jail for accidentally/humourously shooting himself in the thigh, and the story has already faded away within a week or so. Here we are, 3 years in to Terrell Owens' Cowboy career, and the media is still prodding him, looking for him to make a reporter famous for breaking the next "big" T.O. story.

Oy Vey!

The lead story on ESPN is about the fact that Terrell Owens allegedly talked to his offensive coordinator about the development of the offense. That is it. All the rest is hearsay which gets reported under the guise of "unnamed sources."

So this is what credible reporting has become now that the Internet is king and celebrities are on camera 24/7. Rumours have replaced research, calculated guesses have replaced sources, and a Blackberry and a blog have replaced that cute fedora with the press pass tucked in to it. Call me old fashioned, I miss the good ol days where you could go on a drunken stupor with your teammates and not have to worry about a photo being taken by people trying to blackmail you with a picture of you whispering sweet nothings in to a strippers ear.

Oh, and one last thing. Some of the greatest players in the game have had the reputation for demanding the ball. Anyone ever heard of Jerry Rice? If you need some evidence, take a quick read of an article by Yahoo! Sports' Michael Silver.

So, to paraphrase, before we all crucify "T.O. for being T.O." (my nominee for the most overused phrase of 2008) all I ask is that you consider the source. When you see a story lead with "Rumour has it.." or "Insides sources report..." it isn't necessarily the truth and you are not obligated to believe it.

The only thing I will ever believe coming from Ed Werder's "unnamed sources," is that he gives one hell of a mustache ride.

That is something you can take to the bank.

- el

Jizz In My Pants

2008-12-09T22:29:00.001-05:00

You'll Never Guess What Just Happened!

2008-12-09T21:42:00.005-05:00

My friend Jons just called to see how I was doing because I haven't posted on my blog lately. I reassured him by saying I have been working out of the office a lot lately, which is actually true. So in his honour, I present to you the things I have learned about the world of sports since my last blog post.

No one cares about hockey unless someone gets assaulted.
No one cares about blogs unless someone gets insulted.
The Toronto Raptors are going to get worse before they get better. Not because of the personnel, but because they have poor foot speed. Oh and because their coach is Canadian. Personally, I would have went with Bill Wennington if we are going that route.
The Dallas Cowboys and Tony Romo seem to have this thing where they choke all the time, but you have to admit, they do make it entertaining in a lovable sort of way.
Visanthe Shiancoe has made me re-think who I am as a person and whether or not I will ever be the same after seeing his XL Kwanzaa stocking sized pussy slayer.
No team in the NFL is as good as you think they are. Even the Giants are vulnerable to Eli shitting the bed. He only has to do it once for it to fuck your season Giants fans.
The city of Buffalo will be lucky to have one professional sports franchise by the year 2015.
LeBron James and Dwight Howard are really good at what they do. But there isn't a molecule of humility between the two of them, and therefore, I hate them. I get it, you are talented, but do you need to dance and showboat all the fucking time? And what's with the puff of powder before every game LeBron? I do the same thing every time I change a baby's diaper in your honour, and you better believe I am the best damn diaper changer this side of Nicaragua.
The Florida Gators are really good, but Tim Tebow will never be a good pro quarterback because he is left handed. I come to this conclusion because playing with a left handed quarterback on Madden is harder than you think.
The Carolina Panthers uniforms drive me nuts. No matter how good they are, I can't take your shitty expansion jerseys seriously. You need to do something about them before you win the Super Bowl, because having your crowning achievement soiled by those uniforms would be a shame. I'm looking in your direction St. Louis Rams.
The baseball winter meetings have started. Which means a bunch of players will be traded from the AL to the NL thus completely fucking up my AL only rotisserie baseball league.
Plaxico Burress is an idiot. Antonio Pierce is an idiot. Joey Porter is an idiot for various reasons, one of which is for defending Plaxico for having a gun on his person. Is it really that hard to avoid violence and crime in the United States that you have to carry a gun for protection? Sean Taylor, what do you think? Yeah, that second amendment is really working out for you guys.
Francisco Rodriguez will make at least one month long trip to the DL this year. You heard it here first. Write it down.
Cut your hair Troy Polamalu. Please? It would be a lot more intimidating if you did. You'd probably get more road beef too. Plus, you wouldn't look like a melato version of Dee Snyder.

There you have it. The a week in the world of sports in an easy to digest format.

Be well my faithful readers.

- el

Better Late Than Never; Raptors Fire Coach Sam Mitchell

2008-12-03T17:43:00.003-05:00

In a move that should have happened about 2 or 2 1/2 years ago, the Toronto Raptors have fired head coach Sam Mitchell after the team struggled out of the gate this season.

It seems like only yesterday Bryan Colangelo was hired to be the president and general manager of the Raptors and many speculated that he would replace Mitchell with former Suns/current Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni or his then top assistant with the Suns Mark Iavaroni.

Colangelo was then put in a tough spot. The coach he inherited won the coach of the year and media and public perception required him to keep Mitchell as his head coach thus dashing his hopes of implementing the same fast break and shot happy offense that worked so well in Phoenix. Because of Colangelo's luck, he was stuck with a coach who constantly gets out coached and one who employs a slow, plodding and predictable offence which doesn't fit the players Colangelo and assistant general manager Maurizio Gherardini recruited to play for Canada's only NBA hope.

Should you be surprised that Sam Mitchell got fired only 17 games in to the NBA season?

Not at all. Bryan Colangelo has been waiting for this moment since he entered the Great White North.

Avery Suspended; Bettman Rules With An Iron Fist

2008-12-03T08:08:00.002-05:00

So the NHL has indefinitely suspended Sean Avery for his off-colour and somewhat funny comments regarding Elisha Cuthbert and Dion Phaneuf. In case you missed them, here is a quick synopsis:

Reporters were waiting to speak with Avery about disparaging remarks he’d made last month about Flames star Jarome Iginla when Avery walked over to the group and asked if there was a camera present. When told there was, he said, “I’m just going to say one thing.”
“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada,” he said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my (former girlfriends). I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” He then walked out of the locker room.

At a quick glance, doesn't this "indefinite" suspension seem a little excessive? It does to me, and I am willing to bet it does to a majority of casual hockey fans. I consider myself a casual hockey fan since I am an Islanders fan and they don't require much attention and I don't follow hockey until March at the earliest or unless Chris Simon decapitates someone on the ice. But I am a Canadian who played hockey growing up, so I have a bit of experience with the game.

I can understand fining a player, much like professional leagues do when you make disparaging comments about officiating etc., but suspending someone for a few words between conference rivals seems a tad hypocritical, n'est-ce pas?

In the current era of NHL hockey where repeat offenders get 3 games for ramming a players head in to the boards, and players are knocking each other unconscious every other night with shoulder to brain hits, and not to mention the fact that fighting is legal on the ice, one thing has become abundantly clear to me.

You need to get off the fence and pick a fucking side Gary Bettman!

If you are going pay homage to glory years of the game and the past, let the players enforce their own brand of discipline on Sean Avery. Don't suspend him, let him play and let Dion take care of business like they would have in the good ol' days. But if you choose this route, than you have to keep fighting a part of the game, and turn your back on controversial and progressive rule changes, like eliminating touch icing and experimenting with larger hockey nets and other items your (in)competition committee is thinking up.

Or you could go the other direction and suspend Avery for his antics under the guise of player safety because we don't want another Steve Moore incident to happen. But if you go the route of player safety, then go all the way. Eliminate hard plastic shoulder and elbow pads that cause so many injuries, as well as the ledge on the boards of hockey rinks, seamless glass and all those other things that cause harm to players. Or how about you make visors at least mandatory for new players entering the league, maybe even shock absorbing mouth guards and helmets that help prevent concussions. Hey, how about a helmet with a bit of chin guard? That may help wouldn't it?

The bottom line is Gary Bettman doesn't give a shit about the players or you and me as actual fans of hockey and this Sean Avery suspension is just another example. He doesn't want some bad press (even if this is actually drawing attention to the game south of the border) and he will do anything to get invited to the Roger Goodell, Bud Selig, and David Stern Big Boys party.

Bettman doesn't want more teams in Canada because they aren't good US TV markets, he doesn't protect the players with face masks or visors on the players because it makes them less marketable, and he tries to rule the league like Roger Goodell does, with an iron fist. The only problem is, Goodell and the NFL make money, and the NHL outside of Canada, does not.

Sorry Gary, the NHL is America's sloppy seconds. Make that fourths or fifths. What channel is Versus on these days anyways?

A-Rod: "I Thought Kabbalah Was A Swingers Club"

2008-12-02T06:18:00.001-05:00

It seems the fairytale romance between New York City's fourth favourite third basemen Alex Rodriguez (behind Met David Wright, and former Yanks Scott Brosius and Aaron Boone) and ageless octogenarian Madonna may be ready to take the next step.

Madonna and A-Rod's Romantic Road Trip

Rodriguez is looking to make the difficult transition from rebound fuck to full-time boyfriend status.

Alligator Arms will keep you posted as the story develops.

Not that I need another excuse to read Perez Hilton.

I read it for the occasional nipple slips, there, I will admit it.

- el

Nyet!; A Wag Of The Finger To You Mr. Kubiak

2008-12-01T22:06:00.001-05:00

It's 8:36PM on Monday and this is the text message I receive: (Keep in mind I don't have the contact list of Michael Silver and brag to you about the text messages I receive from NFL players.)

"Not sure if you are watching the game, its about to start, but the all red Houston uniforms are bad. CCCP!!!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I realize they are on the national stage on Monday Night Football, but holy crap, humour me a bit and leave the communist rags at home Gary Kubiak.

Brutal.

Эрик Уинстон вы играете, а также Тони Боселли ведущего ножками бабушка!

- el

Dolphins vs. Bills; Live From ... Canada?

2008-12-01T20:30:00.005-05:00

Well, it is almost here. The first NFL regular season game held in Toronto which will see the Buffalo Bills face-off against the Miami Dolphins at the Rogers Centre. As a Canadian, and more specifically a Torontonian, the mood of the city regarding this Rogers purchased promotional event seems to be lukewarm at best. The print and digital media outlets are doing their best to create hype around the event, which includes guest appearances by former Bills greats and plenty of prize giveaways, but it doesn't seem to be having the desired effect. This made me begin to think of what it is like being an NFL fan living in Canada and under what circumstances would the NFL be successful in Canada.

The mind of an NFL fan living in Canada is much different than that of an American fan, especially if that American fan lives in close proximity to an existing NFL city. What makes Canadian fans so different is the way most of us become a fan of our specific favourite team. We don't have the luxury of the media saturation that comes with a teams local market or the history and traditions that are bred in to so many fans from their parents and grandparents. What you will find is a very diverse fan base in terms of what teams they route for, all with much more complex and serendipitous reasons for why they are a fan of their specific team. Sure, you will always have some people that root for the team their father did, but for the most part you will find a vast array of fans of different teams.

Their are some usual suspects for which teams Canadians root for, like geography with regards to Seahawks, Lions, and Bills fans because of the border and like the classic power house teams from the past. (ie. 49ers, Steelers, Cowboys, etc.) But for the most part, the fans are very much a microcosm of Canada. Intelligent, logical, and diverse. So it is going to take a lot more than just hosting a Bills game to convert football fans away from their existing NFL allegiances to turn Toronto in to a viable market with a home field advantage. A good example of this happened at the Rogers Toronto Bills trial run in the preseason where there were more Steelers fans in attendance than Bills fans for the exhibition between Pittsburgh and Buffalo.

So why is the NFL a tough sell is Canada? Well, because of our modest and logical disposition most Canadians can't justify spending that much money for tickets and merchandise once every two weeks. (which is usually how long it is between home games in your average NFL city.) Combine this with the fact that tailgating is an illegal act in most parts of Canada, which contributes a large amount to the mystique and atmosphere of an NFL game, and you just can't reproduce the same rabid fandom that exists in almost every existing NFL city. Because of this lack of groundswell and rampant consumerism, the only chance it has to survive is if the games are propped up by corporations much like the Toronto Maple Leafs and Toronto Raptors are. And that is much easier done for MLSE due to the size of an NHL/NBA facility.

Speaking of facilities, another road block in the way of NFL success in Canada is the issue of an NFL caliber facility. The game that is going to be held next weekend is being played at a stadium that is below capacity of what the NFL has set as it's league standard for teams. Because of this, ticket prices are astronomical compared to that of regular Bills games in Buffalo in an attempt by Rogers to make up for the lack of capacity.

Think the city of Toronto and the province of Ontario are going to help subsidize a new NFL caliber facility? Guess again. That would have been a tough sell to over taxed Canadians even before the economic meltdown. Hell our own government isn't even helping us out with a stimulus package. There will never be a sales tax added or casino revenues shared in an attempt the pay for a new stadium that tend to happen in many US counties. Taxpayers in Canada are still reminded of previous governments mistakes with the white elephants that already inhabit Toronto and Montreal.

Personally, I love the NFL and it's fans, I think it is a beautiful game of skill, strength, strategy and aggression, but I think I have made a few good arguments against it surviving in the great white north. That being said, much like everything, money talks and no matter what logic I use, if Ted Rogers or some other billionaire has his/her sights on an NFL franchise in Toronto, chances are they are going to get what they want.

All in all, enjoy it while you can Torontonians, because sadly, it doesn't look like the Toronto Bills are going to be permanent.

This train looks to have stops in San Antonio and Las Vegas en route to Los Angeles.

Use You're $#@*ing Brain!

2008-11-28T18:44:00.001-05:00

Life's Small Victories...

2008-11-26T15:04:00.003-05:00

I just noticed that I got approved as a commenter on Deadspin.

It may not mean much to you, but it is a nice thing to find out.

Is this what it feels like to get in to a fraternity? Even if it is Tri Lamdba's?

- el

http://deadspin.com/people/paullywood/

Leafs Win NHL Lottery; Burke To Run Team In To Ground

2008-11-26T07:00:00.001-05:00

Since all we care about in Canada is hockey apparently, I felt obligated to let you know that most media outlets are reporting that Brian Burke is on the verge of becoming the Toronto Maple Leafs version of Bryan Colangelo, minus the high collared shirts and fashionable suits that drive the ladies of Bay Street wild.

One thing that has relatively unnoticed with this hiring, is the rivalry between Burke and Oilers General Manager Kevin Lowe gets ratcheted up even more now with Burke's move to a Canadian team which happens to be located at the centre of the hockey universe.

I can't wait to see what happens when Lowe throws an offer at a Maple Leaf restricted free agent. Unfortunately I may have to wait a while since the Leafs don't have any of any value. And by the time they do, Burke will have gotten rid of them.

What do you think the first trade will be under a Burke dictatorship?

Justin Pogge for Francois Beauchemin?

Lock it up...

Happy Birthday Donovan!

2008-11-25T22:11:00.004-05:00

Happy Birthday Donovan McNabb, you turn 32 today. That means you still have a lot of decent football left in you. I mean, not Jay Fiedler good, but more like Steve Bono good.

What are the fans of the Philadelphia Eagles going to get you this year? A front row seat in week 17 to see Kevin Kolb get body slammed in to ground by DeMarcus Ware. Am I saying this because I am a Cowboys fan? No, I am saying this because if they lose this Thanksgiving and make the switch to Kolb on the long week that follows, the Eagles are throwing in the towel on the season. And that means zone blitzes for Kevin and sacks and interceptions for opposing teams. All while you stay nicely huddled in your bubble jacket.

It just so happens my favourite team gets to benefit from your hasty decision. And I thank you for it.

Other random observations from the week that was in the NFL:

I can't look Drew Brees in the eyes. I don't know if it is the lack of haircut, the eyes, or the birth mark thing, I just can't do it. I am sorry.
Is Matt Cassell the new Tom Brady? Or the new Scott Mitchell? I honestly wish I had a time machine to find out now. I am impatient.
Harry Douglas looks skinny on my non-HD TV. But really, really fast!
The NFC South is a reasonable hand-drawn facsmilie of the NFC East.
Count me as one of the few that isn't sold on the NY Jets, I don't know why. I think it's the lack of offensive creativity. Plus, Brett Favre has a tendancy to choke more often then people like to acknowledge. Oh no you just didn't say that!
The Broncos are leading the AFC West at 6-5. I love it. One year I want a team to win a division at 8-8 or 7-9. Suck on that parity loving Roger Goodell.
I am not looking forward to Shannon Sharpe's Hall of Fame induction speech.

Not my best material this week. Sorry gents. But what are you gonna do?

- el

Where Have I Been? Where have YOU Been?

2008-11-25T18:23:00.013-05:00

I would like to apologize to my readers for not giving you a witty post or a late-to-the-dance style sports news update over the past 3 days. So, to all 4 of my readers, I am truly sorry. Now, on to the good stuff.

Where have I been? Well as a Canadian who loves all things football, I felt I needed to make a trip to the birthplace of professional football. Think of it like a pigskin pilgrimage with Canton, Ohio being the equivalent of Mecca. It was just a last minute road trip we decided to take in an effort to break up the monotony that is full-time employment and fall weather in Canada.

Luckily for me, I have a spouse that loves me and loves football as well. Not to the obsessive degree like I do, but enough to have a good time and not be bored out of her skull while I read plaques dedicated to Glyn Milburn's 404 all-purpose yards in one game in 1995.

Our plan? Leave the Great White North early Saturday, head to Canton and the Pro Football Hall of Fame and then to the Cleveland Browns game for some tailgating and take in the game against the Texans on Sunday afternoon. Along the way, just take it a good slice of Americana, eat at places we've never been before, and mingle with the locals. Good times, ideally, would ensue.

So what did I learn? Americans love football a lot. I mean, a lot. Like it's fucking ridiculous. As a Canadian who follows the CFL, it really just puts us to shame. I realize that our sport is hockey, but there never is such deep saturation and atmosphere like there is with football in the United States. Friday night is all about the local high school team, Saturday afternoon everyone is in Ohio State gear for the big game against Michigan, and Sunday morning everything shifts to the Browns.

Speaking of high school football, we just happened to be in Ohio for the Division 1 state finals. We had some luck and made our way on a cold Saturday night to Massillon Paul Brown Tiger Stadium to see the Cleveland's St. Ignatius Wildcats take on the North Canton Hoover Vikings in the semi-finals. It was quite the sight to see as someone who played high school football in a small town in Canada. These kids looked like pros and played like pros as well. We happened to be sitting on the St. Ignatius side of the stadium, good for us because they pummelled the Hoover Vikings 34 - 7. The names you will want to remember from this game are Wildcat QB Andrew Holland and Viking RB Erick Howard. Both are destined to Division 1 scholarships. Holland in 2009 and Howard in 2010.

All in all, the weekend was a great success. Well, aside from the Browns stinking out the stadium in losing to the Sage "Insert spice/herb joke here" Rosenfels led Texans 16 - 6. But that was just a small piece of a great weekend absorbing everything that is America.

All the way down to the syrup at the IHOP!

- el

Touch Football Pattern of the Week

2008-11-21T22:35:00.003-05:00

In last weeks inaugural edition of "The Touch Football Pattern of the Week," we examined the first basic element of a ball control offense in touch football. This week, I relied on my quarterback friend for our next pattern, the "Queen's Curl."

First a little history. The "Queen's Curl" originated in Berkshire, England around the turn of the 19th century when the members of the Royal Family would organize games of rugby amongst themselves and the guests at their frequent royal picnics. Historians who study the history of Britain's royal family say this pattern was the late Queen Elizabeth I's favourite because, as it is noted in several texts, "it made you motherfuckers look like fools!" Her words, not mine.

Fast forward to the current incarnation of the "Queen's Curl" and you will find a pattern that utilizes some misdirection and a fair amount of patience and timing. Most quarterbacks would agree, with this pattern the players you mostly want get the ball to are the two receivers who start from the outside and run a 15 yard in and stop or a slow developing 15 yard curl.

Personally, as someone who has defended this pattern many times, some quarterbacks get tunnel vision for the curl patterns and they throw it to a spot before the receiver gets there. So, as a defender, if you can recognize the pattern early, you can actually beat the receiver to his spot and make a play on the ball.

With that said, if you don't recognize the pattern (and chances are you won't, I only do because I am really fucking good at touch football) then the quarterback has his choice of two deep corners early, or the aforementioned curls which seem like they come out of no where.

In conclusion, the "Queen's Curl" is a pattern that requires some practise for the timing and some trust between the quarterback and receivers. But once you practise it well enough to be used in a game, it is a great play and there is little the defense can do about. Unless you are playing against me, in which case you are fucked!

You Gotta Know When to Hold 'Em...

2008-11-20T16:00:00.001-05:00

Now that the blood pressure of some bookies has lowered to a safe level, and a few kneecaps have had a chance to heal, let's take a quick look at what exactly transpired over the weekend between the Steelers and Chargers.

The referees made an unfortunate mistake when they ruled against Troy Polamalu's last play fumble recovery for a touchdown. In the wake of the whole Tim Donaghy scandal, it was a poorly timed mistake in what has been a bad year for NFL officials. Combine that with the NFL not-so-secret love and embrace of gambling, and you have a situation where even the most casual of conspiracy theorists starts penning to his/her blog. (Apparently there was a "phantom" holding call to negate a Steeler drive earlier in the quarter as well according to my friend.)

But for someone like me, a huge fan of the game that participates in few fantasy leagues for $20, I still can't help but take a "who cares?" attitude to the whole quagmire that is gambling in the NFL.

I mean, correct me if I am wrong, but do these people, who wagered money on the over/under of the Steelers game, pay taxes on their winnings? I would venture a guess and say they don't, and I don't know how much of a boon gambling is to our flailing economy. That is one big, thick check mark under the column of me not caring. I like to consider myself about as statistically average for the NFL's key demographic. And honestly I don't care about some gamblers who lost some money trying to make a quick buck without having to work hard for it, or the sports books in Las Vegas who lose millions of dollars because of a referee's human error, which is a natural part of the game.

As an outsider to the world of gambling, the complaints by the gaming industry in Vegas and the gamblers abroad are unbelievable to the point of humorous. To me, this is the equivalent of 2008 vice presidential debate watchers arguing over how many times "maverick" was said or how many times there was a wink during their unofficial Sarah Palin drinking games.

The fact that the NFL is considering replay rule changes so that this sort of situation ideally never happens again to Las Vegas (under the guise of improving the on field product) is a perfect example of how deep gambling penetrates the NFL.

Maybe I am just not the "average fan" anymore. With that said, I have to go now, I need to put $1000 on whether or not Hines Ward will get decapitated tonight. I've got a wedding to pay for!

;)

- el

ps. I winked, you gotta chug!

Tony Romo Is Better Than Me And You

2008-11-20T15:41:00.005-05:00

No I don't mean he is better than us at throwing oblong objects, or even because of his choice of girlfriends. I mean just in general.

Chances are he is going to heaven, and not the heaven reserved for the middle class like me and you, the heaven that is reserved for genuinely good people. Those people that do charity work and volunteer at soup kitchens. You know the people I am taking about. You don't like them for making you look bad, but you are appreciative of them because they do things that you don't want to do. Like run blood donor clinics and build homes for Habitat for Humanity.

Why do I say this about Tony Romo? On the heels of stopping to help a couple fix a flat tire, he goes ahead and does this.

From the Dallas News story located here:

IRVING – A homeless man who goes by Doc was cashing in change at a Cinemark Theatre in Dallas when a guy walked up and offered to pay his way into the movie. He planned to spend his day passing out fliers and accepted a rain check before realizing that he recognized the generous gentleman.

Was that Tony Romo?" Doc asked the worker behind the counter.It sure was. Doc, who requested that his real name not be used, hustled across the street to the consignment store that paid him to occasionally pass out fliers and requested the day off.

By the time he got back to the theater, Role Model had already started.

Romo, who confirmed the story but didn't want to elaborate, waved Doc over to sit by him and his friend. Doc sheepishly mentioned that he hadn't showered in a few days."Don't worry about that," Romo said. "I'm used to locker rooms."

And so the $67 million quarterback and a man who doesn't have $6.70 to his name sat next to each other and shared laughs for 90 minutes or so.

For Romo – who made news by changing a couple's tire on a roadside on the way home the night of the season opener – it was just another kind gesture to a random stranger.

It meant the world to Doc."For me, it was a blessing," Doc said. "It came at just the right time. It gave me some encouragement and faith in mankind. I just wanted to say thank you."

---

Don't you just hate him?

And the winner is...

2008-11-20T12:15:00.002-05:00

In a close race with plenty of jockeying for position (No, that isn't a reference to Dustin Pedroia), the first poll in the history of Alligator Arms has closed. And the winner of "Who/What is the most lucky?" with 6 votes is:

"The guy who nailed the first girl you ever loved"

He was lucky wasn't he? Just think back at how much you hated seeing his smug face in the hallways of your highschool. You hated that fucker didn't you? He didn't care either, a) because he didn't know you, and b) he was too busy fucking the first girl you ever loved!

It's ok, you got over it with the help of a few tears, some substance abuse, and a couple fat chicks.

Look at you, you turned out great!

- el

I Think I Need A New Keyboard

2008-11-20T10:08:00.000-05:00

As I am sure many in the sports blogosphere do as well, I take a bit of time from my busy work day to check out Deadspin.

What greeted me today (well, it was actually posted yesterday) was this beauty of an article. It's not so much the articles that carry Deadspin, but rather the assault of quick and clever comments that are posted by approved commenters.

Read the article then the comments.

Here is my favorite:

From: Savage, Ben
Subject: Re: Boy Meets World
To: xxxxxxx
Date: Tuesday, November 18, 2008, 12:17 AM

Go root for Topanga-f#@* you-

Consider yourself enlightened.

Bizarro Barack vs. The NFL

2008-11-20T08:37:00.009-05:00

Hello my friends, it is me your good friend Kcarab again, and I'd like to say what a pleasure it is to spend time with you each and every week. Even though I went 7-8-1 last week, I would like you to know that I am trying my best to reach across the aisle to make things happen for you and every working family out in America.

With that said, I present to you my thoughts and predictions for week 12 of the NFL season.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh - I haven't been this excited for some revenge since Probert vs. Domi II. I will pick the Steelers, but Bengals fans will consider it a win only if Hines Ward leaves on a stretcher.
Houston @ Cleveland - I am picking the Browns in this game as I will attending this game as a personal guest of Brady Quinn. We met at the Republican Convention and I have been infatuated with him ever since. No, I am not gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
NY Jets @ Tennessee - Go with the Titans for no other reason then the fact that Tennessee has three sets of double letters in it. One day, that knowledge will win you a piece of pie in Trivial Pursuit and bragging rights amongst your shallow pool of friends. You're welcome.
Philadelphia @ Baltimore - I guarantee you the talking heads of Sunday morning are going to tell you about how Jim Johnson will devise a scheme to confuse rookie quarterback Joe Flacco. I wonder what Johnson's big brain will settle on to make Joe Flacco's day forgettable? Oh yeah, blitz the fuck out of him. Like he does ... to EVERYONE. Take the Eagles.
San Francisco @ Dallas - Dallas is heavily favoured and looks to be getting healthy and regaining a bit of their lost swagger. So with that in mind, I am taking the Cowboys, but this one is going to be a lot closer than people think. Like Florida in 2000 close.
New England @ Miami - Joey Porter is having a great year vocally and the Dolphins are exceeding expectations. But I know not to bet against the Patriots, they wear red, white, and blue and have been a dynasty since just after 9/11. Coincidence?
Oakland @ Denver - Mike Shanahan always beats the Raiders, why would anything change now? Oakland sucks harder than usual this time too. Take the team with the ugly uniforms.
NY Giants @ Arizona - Much like the rest of you, I have had to sit through the nationally televised suck and fuck fest that is Joe Buck talking about the Giants. But the sad thing is, the praise is warranted. They are really good, and I hate every second of it. Plus, I can't pick a team whose quarterback throws with gloves on.
Indianapolis @ San Diego - "Peyton's back and you're gonna be in trouble, hey-la-day-la, Peyton's back" Take the team with the horseshoe. It is a traditional red state too, so keep that in the back of your mind.
Green Bay @ New Orleans - I feel obligated to pick Green Bay because we all know a good Republican doesn't give a shit about New Orleans and the state of Louisiana.

Here is the bottom of the barrel. Also, known as the games no one cares about. I like to refer to them as New Mexicans. My picks appear in bold.

Buffalo @ Kansas City - Take Kansas City. They have never been the same since the Scouts left town, and the city could use a boost.
Tampa Bay @ Detroit - I think even Lions fans are cheering for a winless season. Don't you get extra draft picks for achieving that? You don't? Well you should. A good president would look in to using his power to make real changes like that.
Minnesota @ Jacksonville - I wonder how the referees can screw Vegas by making this game go over. I would guess the over under is, what?, roughly, 16 points?
Carolina @ Atlanta - I am going to pick them every week because the sad truth is, they will be representing the NFC in the Super Bowl this year.
Washington @ Seattle - You mean Jim Zorn played for the Seahawks? Really? I had no idea!
Chicago @ St. Louis - Roger Goodell just announced that the Bears will be demoted to Arena League 2 if they lose this game or fail to gain 200 yards of offense.

Well my friends, as you can see, I have presented a clear and concise case about the fundamental differences between the teams outlined above. I trust you to do the right thing when it comes time to making a decision on November 20th.

Have a great day, god bless you, and god bless the United States of America. Even you Oregon. You left wing sons of bitches.

Sincerely,

Kcarab Amabo

Kcarab amabo is a part-time contributer to Alligator Arms. He is a member of the Republican party and the former mayor of a small town in Nebraska. While some place his political views as right-of-center, we here at Alligator Arms view his uneven temperment and flashes of rage and vulgarity as, quite frankly, off center in general, regardless of the political spectrum. All views presented above are solely the views of Mr. Amabo and are in no way those of Alligator Arms.

The Many Faces of Rasho

2008-11-19T20:29:00.010-05:00

Coach: "Mr. Nesterovic, you've just been selected to the Slovenian national team for the Olympics, how do you feel?"

Rasho:

---

Police Officer: "Rasho, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your parents have been critically injured in a car accident."

Rasho:

---

Mrs. Nesterovic: "Oh my god, Rasho, I think we won the lottery!"

Rasho:

Mrs. Nesterovic: "Oh Rasho, I've never seen you so happy! I love you!"

---

Sam Mitchell in 2007: "Ok Rasho, all you have to do is make a block on LeBron James and we will pay you a few million dollars for the season."

Rasho: "Ok coach."

---

Where Amazing Happens?

2008-11-19T08:22:00.003-05:00

The "Dream Team" dominated the basketball world in 1992 with the likes of Michael and Magic, but since that year, the United States monopoly on world basketball supremacy has been eroded and has been dissected at great length in the press and pundits.

Since then, the game has become globalized thanks to the likes of those original Dream Teamers, David Stern, popular European players like Toni Kukoc and Drazen Petrovic and many others, with the culmination being major international tournament wins by Argentina and Spain.

Fast forward to the current landscape of the NBA, with an ever increasing amount of European players in the league, most of which followed the NBA during their formative years, while simultaneously learning their craft in the team oriented, hard fouling, and whistle swallowing super leagues of Europe. When these international players make the jump across the Atlantic for greener pastures and to realize their own NBA dreams, they bring along a brand of basketball that doesn't make friends very quickly with members of opposing teams. While I am sure their new teammates appreciate the grit and toughness many of these internationals exhibit, most North American players would agree that their play needs a certain amount of assimilation.

What form does this "assimilation" take in the ego driven, "me, not we" current incarnation of the NBA? It is presented to us in glorious HD with the flaring elbows of Bryant and Iverson and now the flailing punches of Kevin Garnett. Of course I admit, the game is tough no matter who is playing or what country they are from, just ask Rodney Stuckey's face, but the aggression towards many international players seems to go unnoticed and relatively unpenalized due to the NBA not wanting to draw negative attention to it's star players whom are their cash cows. In fact, Garnett has already been involved in a trash talking incident with Toronto Raptors point guard Jose Calderon which has become the fodder of viral video aficionados. Whether you liked watching Garnett's display of clapping and yelling at Calderon (which for some reason was tolerated by the referees) or not, the NBA should consider taking some action to portray the league as a place where international players are welcomed with open arms to match the warm and fuzzy marketing campaigns David Stern commissions.

So, what can the NBA do to curb this holier than thou behaviour of some of the leagues biggest egos? Simple, borrow a page or two from the NFL and apply the same set of rules and standards to the leagues biggest stars as you do the lesser known role players. Don't tolerate actions that of and individual player is bigger than the game itself, and finally make the game even more inviting to to international players because as we have found out with Josh Childress and may soon find out in the summer of 2010, the NBA won't be the only place "Where Amazing Happens."

Red Sox Nation Relieved; Pedroia Wins AL MVP

2008-11-18T15:00:00.007-05:00

It seems like it has been forever since the ever-quiet Red Sox Nation last won anything of significance in Major League Baseball. Well, wait no longer chowdaheads, the drought is over after approximately 385 days of anxious sorrow drowning because Dustin Pedroia has won the 2008 AL MVP award.

Personally, myself and the members of F.A.W.A.B.A.I.H. (Fans of Athletes Who Are Below Average In Height) would like to thank Mr. Pedroia for his accomplishment this year and we look forward to seeing him successfully dating tall women in the near future.

As a person who is also below average in height as well, Dustin Pedroia winning this award means a little more to me.

- el

Having A Rough Day?

2008-11-18T12:58:00.003-05:00

This should put you back in the mood to properly fill our those TPS reports.

Tell me, what is your favourite lyric?

- el

Who Does God Hate More? Cleveland or Buffalo?

2008-11-18T07:51:00.011-05:00

We now have our answer as Ryan Lindell's field goal sailed wide right from 47 yards out. And now I am morally obligated to make an Ace Ventura reference. Let's go with "Laces out DAN!"

At least the Browns have those NFL championships from before the merger to fall back on, all Buffalo has are memorable losses which are mostly foot-related. Whether it's Scott Norwood's or Brett Hull's.

Other random observations from the week that was in the NFL:

Pierre Thomas takes over the league's title as the best French Canadian player, going off for 88 yards on 16 carries and a touchdown, leaving Kansas City Chiefs saying "Tabernac!"
Even though I hate the Steelers, how can you not love Troy Polamalu's hair raising, one-handed interception. That dude plays balls out 24/7. Figuratively and literally. Don't ask.
Carolina has got to be the most boring team to ever be 8-2.
The announcers may cream their pants every time they see it, but I am not a huge fan of this Miami Dolphin inspired "Wildcat" formations. That being said, I had no idea Tony Sparano was such a big Goldie Hawn fan.
The Colts aren't dead after all, but I think Bob Sanders' knee might be.
As was Matt Hasselbeck's leg.
As are the Seattle Seahawks.
Since T.J. Houshmandzadeh's bold prediction of at least 2 wins, the Bengals are undefeated!
The NFC North standings have a sort of tragically beautiful symmetry to them.
And finally, FOX needs to lose the faux-steel graphics with the dancing robots. When I tune in the NFL Network 20 years from now to watch a classic game from 2008, I guarantee you my kids are going to make fun of me for that Godforsaken dancing robot, so do us all a favour and hand Robbie the Robot, and your futuristic NFL graphics, a pink slip. My kids are going to have enough things to make fun of me for.

- el

Nice While It Lasted; Philly Fans Angry Again‏

2008-11-17T19:43:00.004-05:00

It has been almost three weeks since the final out of the 2008 World Series was recorded, and many wondered if the Phillies victory would release over two decades of sporting frustration and usher in a new era of positive and supportive fandom by the Philly faithful.

Well, we now have our answer as the Cincinnati Bengals Shayne Graham's 47 yard field goal sailed wide and led to the NFL's first tie game in six years. But this certainly wasn't about Graham's kick, but rather the inefficient play by Donovan McNabb and his troubling lack of grasp of the NFL's rules after being in the league for over a decade.

If there is one thing Philadelphia fans are not, it is tolerant. With a tie against the lowly Bengals, some of the teams most ardent of supporters have begun to wonder if the era of McNabb and head coach Andy Reid should come to a premature end with the first step being the installation of Kevin Kolb at quarterback.

After reading some of the things written in the local press about the Eagles by their fans and the people that cover the team, it seems that their fans have lost sight of the big picture.

While it is true their playoff chances have taken a down turn as of late, the fans shouldn't lose sight of the fact that the team is above .500 in one of the most unpredictable NFL seasons in recent memory and only trail two inconsistent teams by half of a game within their division, which could easily determine a wild card playoff spot.

Furthermore, even with McNabb's friendly and easy going attitude, that might contribute to occasional lapses in concentration, the Eagles under McNabb and Reid are the envy of the league whether it is their win/loss record, or stable offensive and defensive production. The team they just happened to tie on Sunday, I can almost guarantee, would love to emulate the Eagles and what Reid and McNabb have accomplished, as would at least six or seven franchises I can think of off the top of my head. Probably even more if you dissected it further.

So Philly fans, before you cock back your arm with that snowball with a battery in it aimed at Donovan McNabb, take a second to think about what you have with the Eagles and your now beloved Phillies and how they achieved their goals, because sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

No matter how good Kevin Kolb looks in the preseason.

A Rude Awakening...

2008-11-17T11:34:00.008-05:00

After a very long day of socialising, dinner, and drinks, not surprisingly, I fall asleep on my couch late Saturday night.

When I awoke, what was I greeted by on the television?

No, not porn.

But the disgusting, decomposing, human skin mask some dude is wearing from what I can only assume is the Silence of the Lambs sequel Hannibal or Red Dragon. Jesus Christ, talk about ruining a night of sleep.

As I look back on it, the nightmare that ensued wasn't too bad. It's not like I had to try to kick field goals on the slop and mud they call grass at Heinz Field.

How did you like that one Nate Kaeding? Not very much eh?

- el

Is Your Favourite NFL Team Terrible?

2008-11-17T07:50:00.013-05:00

With the recent firings of Detroit Lions president and general manager Matt Millen, San Francisco 49ers head coach Mike Nolan, and St. Louis Rams head man Scott Linehan, one thing has become apparent during the course of this 2008 NFL season. No matter how hard you try, there is nothing coaches and general managers can do to cover up their own ineptitude.

As Browns head coach Romeo Crennel, and maybe even general manager Phil Savage are soon to find out, when you make personnel and coaching decisions based on saving your own hyde, more often than not, it fails miserably. In Matt Millen's case, it wasn't one move in particular but rather a series of moves (the continual drafting of wide receivers without a quarterback or a defense to support them) which showcased his ego and his bizarre attempt to re-invent the wheel in terms of building a team through the draft. Left in his wake is a team that will squander the all-world physical talent of Calvin 'Megatron' Johnson for at least a few seasons while the team attempts to dig themselves out of a Wayne Fontes sized hole.

As for the cases of Scott Linehan and Mike Nolan, from an outsider's eyes, it seems both of these coaches put their own necks ahead of what was good for the long term development of their franchises. While Linehan decided to bring back Al Saunders from the purgatory that is the Kansas City Chiefs under Herman Edwards, Mike Nolan settled on Mike Martz to led the Crimson and Gold offense, which has never recovered from the departure of Norv Turner. While both of these offensive coordinators have impressive credentials, Linehan and Nolan ignored the make up of their respective rosters and made the majority of the decision based on saving their own jobs. And look where these franchises are today. All three are destined for the basement of the NFL for the remainder of this season and well into the 2009 and 2010 seasons. In a perfect world, their front offices will grow a backbone and some self confidence and decide to take their time to nurture some talent and let it develop.

On the heels of last week's second debacle by the Cleveland Browns, and subsequent in-fighting, this is yet another variation of the same situation I have described above. The combination of Romeo Crennel's lack of sideline intellect and Phil Savage's reckless mortgaging future college drafts to win now (to the tune of 3 wins) has put more strain on one of professional footballs most loyal of fan bases, not to mention it wasting the talents of some of the dynamic offensive players in the AFC. It is enough to make a fan go crazy!

How many careers will be wasted before the coaches and general managers of your favourite NFL team put the good of the players, fans, and owners ahead their own foolish pride?

- el

Beat a Dead Horse Much? Red Stockings Tried To Suspend Manny

2008-11-16T14:30:00.000-05:00

Like that guy in high school who got dumped and tried to play it off like he did the dumping, the Boston Red Sox are still trying to sway popular opinion of Manny Ramirez by "leaking" a story to ESPN about how they tried to suspend Ramirez before settling on dealing him to the Dodgers at the MLB trade deadline.

Clearly the Red Sox, playing role of dumpee, are still a little bothered by the fact that Manny lit the NL world ablaze during the stretch run, and their own inability to win it all without him. Meanwhile, Manny looks to pad his 401K with another huge pay day in free agency.

Don't worry Red Sox, your new girlfriend may not be as pretty and popular, but she lets you watch football all day on Sundays. Something that other bitch never let you do!

Why Does My Fantasy Football Team Suck So Hard?

2008-11-16T11:30:00.005-05:00

I know what you are thinking, my team sucks because the person who drafted it sucks. Which means I suck, I get your joke. Very clever.

Anyways, here is a little background. I am a member of two fantasy football pools this year. One is a keeper league a friend of mine started last year, and the other is just your basic fantasy league. Both are 10 team leagues, live, serpentine style draft, head to head, blah blah blah.

So week 10 of the season is now in the books, trade deadlines have come and gone, and the better of my two teams sits triumphantly at 3-6-1! What the fuck?! As my fiance, not to mention my coworker that sits behind me and can see me surfing the Internet, can most certainly attest, I live and breathe NFL football. And I don't mean like one of those douchebags that only follows his/her favourite team and is blinded by their undying love for their team, no matter how many times they lose while proclaiming Trent Edwards as their savior. I am as about as logical and level headed as one fantasy can be while still have a favourite team.

To stay on topic here, yes, both of my fantasy teams suck, and with my knowledge how does this happen? The only explanation is, I failed to account for the amount of luck that is involved in gambling, because that is essentially what fantasy football is. The more I think about it, its kind of like the professional poker tour. Sure, you can have a degree in mathematics from your state college, know all the probabilities of every card combination in the deck, and be the best poker player in your circle of friends, but when push comes to shove, you are still at the mercy of something you cant control. In the case of poker, its the luck of the draw. In my case, its whether or not the swelling in Steven Jackson's vagina subsides enough for him to produce like I know he can. (and how he proved to me vs. the Cowboys ... thanks asshole)

In conclusion, my two fantasy teams suck, and sadly it looks like there is nothing I can do about it.

- el

ps. What's with the media glorifying when a local makes it to one of the final tables at a large poker tournament? Your coverage puts out the impression that it's ok to sit in your basement for 5 hours a night on Pokerstars, when in fact it is not.

That Random Dude in the Bar was Right; Lesnar Wins at UFC 91

2008-11-16T09:41:00.007-05:00

In case you missed it last night because you were too busy sleeping on the couch or participating in a bocce tournament, former NCAA wrestling champ and former WWE "personality" (I use that term loosely) defeated Randy "The Natural" Couture in the second round of UFC 91 held at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas.

Personally, I am not a huge fan of the world of ultimate fighting, but watching the highlights of the fight must trigger some sort of primeval instinct in me. The logical side of my brain says that it is barbaric and borders on insanity, but the other side of my brain (the side that loves watching highlights of Chuck Cecil concuss wide receivers in the early 1990's) couldn't help but watch as Brock Lesnar rabid hammer punched aged Randy Couture in to yet another retirement.

It is kind of like when you play Grand Theft Auto for a little too many hours, and when you emerge from your house, the logical side of your brain tells you not to assault the first person you see even though the emotional side wants you to punch out that granny and steal her 1996 Buick Roadmaster.

The war inside me wages on.

96th Grey Cup Matchup Set; Horsies vs. Concordes

2008-11-16T01:13:00.003-05:00

Fans of the oblong-shaped ball version of football north of the 49th parallel got the match-up they desired, as the Montreal Alouettes will host the Calgary Stampeders in the 96th edition of the Grey Cup next Sunday.

Fears of an all-Albertan CFL final were eradicated early Saturday afternoon, as the Alouettes over-powered the visiting Edmonton Eskimos and held on for the victory in the "East" final in front of a raucious home crowd in apparently-safe-to-sit-in-because-we-paid-off-the-building-inspector Olympic Stadium or Stade Olympique depending on what grade of French you decided to complete.

In the western final, the Stampeders were led to a come-from-behind victory by, the intimidatingly nicknamed, "Smilin'" Hank Burris on the most frozen tundra found this side of Green Bay. With the victory, the Stampeders advanced to the Grey Cup for the first time since 2001.

Undoubtedly, most CFL football fans will be rooting for the Alouettes next weekend for various reasons. For some, it will be the culmination of a hall of fame caliber career for Montreal's Anthony Calvillo, for others it will be the great parties that will commence in Montreal should the host team win the Grey Cup for the first time in what seems like eons. But for most, it will be the fact that Canadians will be looking for a reason to stick it to Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper's home squad and Alberta's holier than thou attitude due to the oil sands boom, making the province the country's most lucrative.

Either way, it should make for an exciting Grey Cup championship as the league's two best teams from the regular season meet in a world class city to show off the Canadian brand of football to the world. And by that I mean, to Canadians, Canadians living abroad, and Chris Berman's audience during the fastest 3 minutes at the halftime of Monday Night Football.

Vive la France!

Your NASCAR Minute; Economic Uncertainty Forces Merger

2008-11-15T14:40:00.001-05:00

By Contributing Writer, James Burke.

On Wednesday it was announced that DEI (Dale Earnhardt Inc.) has joined forces with Chip Ganassi’s, Ganassi Racing Team. The newly formed team will be known as Earnhardt Ganassi Racing.

With a weak economy this was a no-brainer. It has become increasingly difficult for teams to find sponsorship. The amalgamated team will field a 4 car outfit for the upcoming season. Martin Truex Jr. will continue to drive the #1 car, Aric Amirola will drive the #8 car and JP Montoya will drive the #42 car. A driver has yet to be announced for the #41. Rumor had IRL driver Dan Wheldon in the ride, but he decide to return to IRL until 2011.

Two cars have full funding for the 2009 season (Bass Pro Shops and Target), while Montoya has partial funding. The number 8 car is still searching for a sponsor. The team will run Chevy engines. For Ganassi this is a change from the Dodge engines he’s run in the past.

More Rooney Rule? Dan Looks to Secure 80% Share

2008-11-15T10:46:00.005-05:00

From ESPN via The Associated Press, Dan Rooney has reached an agreement with his four brothers to sell a controlling stake of the Pittsburgh Steelers to him.

Each brother holds a 16% share of the team and this transaction would ensure the Steelers stay in the hands of Pittsburgh's pigskin royal family.

The league is yet to weigh in on the ownership situation, preferring to let the family members resolve the situation amongst themselves.

It will be interesting to see what the NFL says when it comes time to approve the sale of the Steelers to Dan Rooney, as this deal seems to be in violation of the Rooney Rule implemented in 2003. This rule requires NFL teams to interview minority candidates for a head coaching opportunity, but also contains a little known clause which allows a 33.3% share of the Pittsburgh Steelers to remain in the hands of the lesser known Rooney family members Wayne, Andy, and Mickey.

Check back for updates as this situation develops.

**UPDATE**

When reached for comment, Andy Rooney wondered aloud why CBS schedules 60 minutes to start at 7:00PM on Sundays, when we all know the NFL game is going to run late.

You are so prolific Mr. Rooney.

Melrose Fired as Lightning Shuffle Deck; Owners Bet On Tocchet To Right Ship‏

2008-11-14T17:54:00.005-05:00

You see what I did there with the title? Because Tocchet is a gambler! Clever, I know! Anyways...

According to our sources/the Internet, the Tampa Bay Lightning have cut bait on the trendy and fashionable Barry Melrose after 16 games.

Personally, I can't seem to figure out why. It's not like he has been short shifting one of the leagues brightest stars. Wait, what? He did that? Oh, well then that changes everything.

Moral of the story? Rich people like making money more than they like your personality and coaching tactics. No matter how well you interview or how nice you look on television. And you were costing honorary Dragon's Den members Oren Koules and Len Barrie money with your high paid yet anemic offense Barry. So for that reason, you are out.

On a side note, do Leaf fans still hate Barry Melrose because of that whole Gretzky thing in 1994?

Cassel Throws for 400 in Pats Loss; Biblical Scholars Begin Search For Other 3 Horsemen

2008-11-14T14:12:00.002-05:00

In case you missed it, Brett Favre joined the Jets in the off-season as did Alan Faneca, Calvin Pace, and Tony Richardson. And wouldn't you know it Chris Collinsworth mentioned that fact numerous times during last nights broadcast, as the aforementioned players lead the Jets in a thriller over the New England Patriots in overtime 34-31.

More importantly, Matt Cassel provided enough flashes of competence passing for 400 yards and a little pinch of moxy in finding Randy Moss for a game tying touchdown in the dying moments of regulation to stir the sports talk pot. Did he do enough to fulfill his potential to be the next below average quarterback to cash in heavily in the free agent market after one decent season? I for one, can't wait to find out.

The question now is, where does he land as a free agent come 2009 when he looks to follow in the ominous footsteps of Elvis Grbac, Scott Mitchell, and fellow USC alumni Rob Johnson?

The short list has to include Detroit, Kansas City, and Minnesota.

The good news for you Matt is that money will buy you a lot of time to put that communications degree to use when you retire at the age of 29.

The smart money is on the, fuck, I have no idea. Let's go with the Chiefs, who knows what the hell Herm and Carl Peterson are doing these days.

Oh, and Matt, say hi to your motha for me.

- el

2008-11-14T09:10:00.003-05:00

For the past 2 hours and 51 minutes the fly on my jeans has been open. Were you there to stop me from embarassing myself? No you were not! How can I pass this off as being a part of the "I dress this way for the United Way" drive that happens every Friday?

Swisher dealt to Yanks; A Texeira Not Named Mark Included

2008-11-14T09:06:00.004-05:00

The New York Yankees have acquired the first basemen/outfielder/OBP machine Nick Swisher and Kanekoa Texeira in exchange for infielder Wilson Betemit, pitcher Jeff Marquez, and minor-league pitcher Jhonny Nunez.

A few things come to my mind as I process this trade and it's implications on my rotisserie baseball league, which I won this year for the first time in my 6th year of existence. (Take that Mariners fans!) Yes, I realize I am bragging.

Where is Swisher going to fit in and what happens to my late season free agent pick-up of Brett Gardner?

Is Kanekoa Texeira any relation to Mark, and if so, is this just a way to entice Mark to join the Yankees so he can be closer to his Japanese half-brother?

Should there be a knife fight between Peralta and Nunez for who gets the rights to the first name Jhonny? (Think of it like Hercules Hernandez vs. Billy Jack Haynes for the WWF rights to the full-nelson)

Should there be more funding to fight dyslexia in the Dominican Republic after this Jhonny naming epidemic?

Discuss.

- el

Touch Football Pattern of the Week

2008-11-14T08:11:00.004-05:00

As you may, or may not, know, I play in organized leagues of touch football pretty much 52 weeks of the year. So with that in mind, I present to you the touch football pattern of the week. Hooks and outs.

As an occasional receiver in a ball control offense, I would be doing my quarterback an injustice if this wasn't the first pattern I presented. Good ol' hooks and outs is a first down staple of our seven man touch football team for various reasons.

One, is it allows you to pick up a quick 5-7 yards on first down. Secondly, it gets a bit of a rhythm going as an offense early on in a game. And finally, and most importantly, as we age gracefully in to our 30's and beyond, we get to a point where we are no longer considered "experienced," but rather, we are considered "fucking old."

So for some people, hooks and outs is all they can handle physically and mentally in terms of a choreographed pattern. Think of it like Muhsin Mohammed returning to the Carolina Panthers after leaving for years in the wilderness that was the Chicago bears offense prior to this year, only to return home to be put out to stud. He may not be what he once was and can't do much running, but boy does he have some great stories to tell.

For me, hooks and outs is a great pattern because its the only one where I know definitively where everyone else should be on the field. You see, I have a terrible memory and I pretty much have to concentrate my hardest to remember my own pattern, let alone anyone else's. Ask me to run a pattern which involves a triple move? The only one your punishing is yourself, and maybe my arthritic hip. Maybe my poor memory is due to my parents smoking when I was conceived?

I guess that's another story for another time... So yes, long live the inaugural touch football pattern of the week, hooks and outs.

Yankees Make Offer to Sabathia; Ball Cap Remains Slightly Askew

2008-11-13T13:33:00.005-05:00

According to various sources, including the New York Post, the New York Yankees are poised to blow away any team who are considering offering ex-Brewer C.C. Sabathia a contract. The burly rosin bag handler is set to wait in line with a cashiers cheque for roughly $25 million per season. Well, that is where the bidding is looking to start!

So, I guess this means there isn't an economic slow down in Yankee land. With the money pumped in to their new ballpark via obscene ticket prices and personal seat licenses, the Yankees are poised to depress even more baseball fans outside of the five boroughs.

You may be asking yourself, "What can I do in these tough economic times?" Well, the only advice I can give you is, when you go home tonight stop at your local Walmart and buy a regulation baseball. Grab your first born son (or whatever one you feel will make a better athlete) squeeze him really tight while telling him you love him, and then send him in to the backyard with that baseball until he learns how to pitch it left-handed. In a perfect world he will thank you for it. And if he complains, you can "correct" his behaviour using "non-verbal communication." Read it to that as you will.

Ideally, when it's all said and done, you will have one of two things: A son that loves you for teaching him to be mentally tough and a son who is ready to cash in on a lucrative career as a professional athlete. (Preferably in the mould of Tiger Woods) OR a son that is an obsessive compulsive sociopath who hates you and any sport with a round object involved with it because it reminds him of the terrible childhood you succumbed him to.

Either way, it's your call, and strangely it's kind of like Shirley Jackson's story "The Lottery," complete with the ruining of another person's life.

Besides, that NordicTrack you just put on your credit card isn't going to pay for itself.

If only Carsten Charles knew how far is influence can reach!

Happy Pitching!

Is MLSE Trying to Kill the Sports Media in Toronto?

2008-11-13T12:01:00.000-05:00

Now that Brian Burke is free to search for employment during these tough economic times, inevitably all eyes will fall on the city of Toronto and their geriatric interim General Manager Cliff Fletcher. Did you know that HE was the one that orchestrated the deal for Jamie Macoun?

So if and when Brian Burke joins the Maple Leafs as a member of the MLSE family, he will join Maple Leafs head coach Ron Wilson, and Toronto Raptors head man Sam Mitchell to form a three-headed monster of irritable, smug, and sarcastic "I'm better than you" interviewees the likes of which the sports world has ever seen! If you listen to sports talk radio in the Toronto area, you know what I am talking about.

Personally, I can't wait to see the media room littered with carcasses after Burke and Wilson are done with them. Solely for entertainment purposes, which, in a perfect world would result in a Singletary/Mora/Denny Green type viral video. If I was a credited member of the Toronto sports media, I would probably have a different viewpoint of the MLSE three-headed Hydra, but I am not fortunately for me

But, a boy can dream can't he?

Doug Berry fired as Blue Bombers head coach; Free to resume career as hairdresser

2008-11-13T09:07:00.006-05:00

The Canadian Press and TSN both reported Mr. Berry's firing Wednesday afternoon.

I guess that means Doug can go back to his real love, which is V05 hot oil treating his chestnut brown hair before getting his Brylcreem on, slamming a part in to it and then delving in to world of professional hair styling Zohan style. Cue the pelvic thrusting.

So, what happens next? The Blue Bombers will now have to search the recesses of the CFL coaching pool for their next head man. I guess this means Dave Ritchie will get a phone call, Jacques Chapdelaine might get one as well. Hell, with only 8 teams and a very limited amount of coaches with CFL experience it will only be a matter of time before Bud Grant gets a call. Little known fact: Bud Grant is still alive. Shocking, I know.

All the while, Richie Kotite waits for the call...

Bizarro Barack vs. the NFL

2008-11-13T07:22:00.006-05:00

Hello, my name is Kcarab Amabo and I have been asked to provide this web log with my picks and insights on the upcoming slate of NFL games starting this weekend. As a fine, upstanding member of the Republican Party, I felt this was a good way to reach out and engage the community and maybe even start a little groundswell for a potential presidential campaign in 2012.

So without further adieu, I present to you my picks for week 11 of the NFL.

New York Jets @ New England Patriots - At what point does one become considered a genius as a head coach in the NFL? Is it about how many Super Bowl wins you have? How many times you cheat on your wife? Or do you just have to have a last name that can easily be modified to include the word genius? Either way, Brett Favre is a 40 year old square peg trying to be jammed in to the Jets round hole. Take the Patriots, no matter how much you hate them.
Denver @ Atlanta - The Dan Reeves Bowl! Which quarterback will the Broncos look to enshrine in Canton this week? It looks like Matt Ryan's turn. Champ Bailey looks to return this week to take on Roddy White, but I don't see it happening in the heart of Confederate/GOP turf. I am going with the Falcons based on the fact that the Dirty Bird is more fierce of a dance than the Mile High Salute and the leftover power generated by Georgia's now retired questionable state flag.
Philadelphia @ Cincinnati - I know I am a Republican, but I would have to be retarded to not pick the Eagles, even though Brian Westbrook is banged up. Who has Ryan Fitzpatrick in the keeper pool for next year? No one? Yeah, that's what I thought. Well at least he went to an Ivy League school, so that means he won't do a thing for you until he retires and becomes the offensive coordinator of your favourite team. Until then, file this one under "no one gives a shit outside the cities that the teams inhabit."
Chicago @ Green Bay - Apparently there is some kind of tundra in Green Bay that becomes quite cold? My advisers tell me it can almost get to the point of freezing. How come no one ever mentions this? I am picking the Packers because Sexy Rexy might be all covered up and that means a balaclava will rob us all of his rugged good looks. It might be good news for him because if the old Rex shows up, he could use it as a disguise. If Kyle Orton decides to tough out his high ankle sprain, then this game could get ugly, quite literally.
Houston @ Indianapolis - You know what happened the last time these two teams met. I don't see this one being as close as the last one. And now that I have traded Matt Schaub and Owen Daniels in my GOP fantasy league, I have no reason to watch this game. One can only take so many audibles and the yelling of "OMAHA! OMAHA!" at the beginning of every offensive play for the Colts. With that said, go with the Colts based on last weeks performance.
Baltimore @ New York Giants - As a Cowboy fan, I am obligated to pick the Ravens. And after reading this article which including this doozy of a quote, "If a right-minded observer conducted an open draft of NFL quarterbacks and included a healthy Tom Brady, Manning would be the third pick of that draft, behind Brady and big brother Peyton and ahead of all the Romos and Roethlisbergers and McNabbs." Now that my head has stopped spinning in disbelief, I will move on to the next game.
San Diego @ Pittsburgh - I am not as religious as I could be, which yes will hurt my appeal to the religious right in the 2012 election, but I swear I pray every night for the Steelers to switch spots with the Cleveland Browns. They can keep the rabid fan base, I just want to see how their fans do with seasons of prolonged losing or mediocrity. That's all I ask for. Unfortunately, I have to be logical and go with the Steelers. They are good, and their coach is much better looking than the non-HD facial skin of Norv Turner.
Tennessee @ Jacksonville - Has there ever been an undefeated team that has gone as un-noticed as the Titans? I am pretty sure even the residents of Volunteer state would enjoy a national championship by the Orange and White more than a Super Bowl win by the hideous uniformed Titans. Look for Jack Del Rio to conjure some strength from his days as a dominant middle linebacker in Tecmo Super Bowl and hand the Titans their first loss of the season. And then they will fade in to the abyss of obscurity
Dallas @ Washington - Tony Romo returns for the Cowboys along with a litany of other starters and key role players and it could come at a better time. To add to their luck, the team with the horribly inappropriate nickname may be without Clinton Portis due to a MCL sprain. It's rare that I pick the Cowboys to win a game with their lackadaisical defense and ever apparent absence of urgency. But I have a gut feeling about this one. And hey, isn't that what a good Republican relies on? Not logic, pure gut instincts.

Here are my picks for the rest of the games: (I won't go in to too much detail because frankly most people don't care about these teams aside from the players friends and family, and maybe their road beef.) Picks appear in bold.

New Orleans @ Kansas City - Because I needed to take a flier on my Proline ticket.
Oakland @ Miami - Miami is one of those teams that play good teams tough, and bad teams easy. And then Joey Porter's heart will explode during a pre-game trash talking session with Oakland's long snapper.
Minnesota @ Tampa Bay - We all know Minnesota is going to make a run and then come crashing down to earth when half of the defense is suspending for water pills. What ever happened to Aquafina?
Detroit @ Carolina - Carolina will go 14-2 and no one will care.
St. Louis @ San Francisco - Mike Singletary gets career win number one. And then proceeds to bitch slap Andrea Kramer with his cock. Yeah, you read that correctly.
Arizona @ Seattle - Maybe Mike Holmgren can borrow one of Andy Reid's kids to make his last remaining days in the north-west a little more exciting
Cleveland @ Buffalo - Regardless of the outcome, either way, there is going to be a lot of people using their one phone call from the drunk tank to call in sick Tuesday morning.

Well, that has it for my inaugural NFL picks. I urge you all to vote early, and if you are affiliated with ACORN, vote often. Zing! May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America!

Sincerely,

Kcarab Amabo

End of Days ...

2008-11-12T19:03:00.004-05:00

So I have found a new source of entertainment while I sit on public transit for an hour each day. As much as I loved watching people push on the bus doors before they opened causing them to sound a bell ringing/alarm which elicits such an angry response that only a $30 an hour paid bus driver can conjure, it has come time for a change.

What is this source of entertainment? The Spanish girl who has been riding the bus with me the last two days! She spends the entire bus ride talking on her LG flip phone in her wonderfully spicy outdoor voice essentially sharing her world to all of us weary business commuters. Yesterday's topic was about how she is in debt and how she needs to cut back her spending by downsizing her Internet and cable bills by choosing lower priced packages (I am sure she is a Rogers customer, and unfortunately I don't think downsizing a word in their vocabulary) and how she is jealous her friend is losing weight quicker than she is. (I'm going with coke)

Today's sermon revolves around her malfunctioning iPod shuffle that only a few months old! The fire this girl is spitting about her lowest of the low end of the Apple products, as if she didn't know that you get what you pay for. And by "you get what you pay for," I mean what day of the week the child in China completed your iPod on, because everyone knows that quality suffers on a Friday.

So yes, when I get home and crack a beer, it's going to be dedicated to you, obnoxious Spanish cell phone girl. I bid you adieu.

Or as you just said 'for shizzy.'

Paul Pierce's Brother From Another Mother?

2008-11-11T20:43:00.009-05:00

As I was watching my beloved Toronto Raptors get the life choked out of them in the 4th quarter by the over-the-top faux drama of Kevin Garnett, I noticed something amusing and rather troubling with the smooth-as-silk yet ugly as fuck Paul Pierce.

Is it just me or does Paul Pierce bear a slight resemblance to Howard Stern "Wack Pack" alumnus Lester "Beetlejuice" Green?

I hate to be the one to break it to you Mr. Pierce, you're stroke may be pretty but your mug most certainly is not.

And that my friends is "The Truth."